Excess baggage

I accompanied The Druid to Heathrow the other day to see him off on his continued alchemic studies in the States. In tow we dragged 2 suitcases full of spells and potions totalling a total of 60kg with 6kg hand luggage, all diligently measured in advance and packed as dense as the Sun.

Virgin Atlantic standard broomstick load to the USA is 2 cases of 30kg each and by Merlin he was gonna get his moneys worth. Tipping the scales at a whopping 66kg in total, The Druid brought more luggage than I weigh out of the country and I need to add at this juncture that this was his second trip out and he carried the same amount out last time in preparation for his two years in the forest.

While at Heathrow it was suggested that I check the baggage allowance on my broom in preparation for next weeks flight. This I did at the Gulf Air help desk. Now bearing in mind that The Druid brought over the equivalent of 2 fat men I was slightly less impressed by what Gulf Air had to offer.

20kg in the hold, 6kg hand luggage. Twenty bloody six kilograms in total. What the hell am I supposed to bring that weighs under 26kg!?!

I have since given much thought to the matter, feeling truly hard-done-by. I’ve taken more notice of weights (sorry “masses”) of common items and realised that this baggage allowance effectively seals my death.

The Times today reported that the average British Army ration pack weighs 2kg and provides a day’s worth of finely-balanced nutrition. A laptop that weighs 2kg and a bag that weighs 3kg on its own leaves me with 10 days worth of food and a laptop.

I’m going to die aren’t’ I?

After further deliberation I realised that I will actually need to wear shoes on my feet and some clothes. Totalling 8kg, this meant that I would have to survive 4 days without food in order to maintain my dignity. I can’t really see myself teaching children naked. I may be a bit strange but I’m not a complete weirdo.

I also need to take 5 vital books which weigh a total of 4kg, shades, my Swiss tool as provided by Pasty White Skin boy, a pair of Speedos, my spare brain, my mini book of quotations from Chairman Mao, Tao Te Ching, a pair of hiking boots and 3 packs of pork scratchings ‘for the road’. This was just the bare essentials but God knows it all adds up somehow. Chucking out the Speedos didn’t help much.

Puzzled I groped around for a solution which came to me in a flash. I have decided to eat all of my belongings on Thursday night. If anyone wants to come round for a “eat my shorts and the rest of belongings” party on Thursday night feel free. Bring your own shorts and beer.

Any further suggestions of how to smuggle on board more than my allocated share of baggage would be appreciated. God only knows where my pants have been.


Mr Porky – yum! Mr Porky pork scratchings! See you at Christmas for a good Christian celebration in the midst of the action. Can you put the scratchings on the office tab? I saw Rainspire the other day as you are well aware by now I’m sure. What a lucky man you are!

Mr Pasty White Skin With No Respect for Your Ancestors – Thanks for the reminder – I will cancel my subscription with immediate effect but will have to amuse myself with the pliers from your tool. Will get around to watching Eric the Viking this year as well. Sorry I missed your drink I was jodging so furiously at the thought of kneeling down and tending your shoes that I incapacitated myself with RSI and was unable to leave my cage.
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