"You've gotta have a higher self-esteem Mischief", people tell me all the time, "You're becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy"

I've laughed this nonsense off for years, happy in the knowledge that I'm grossly deformed, vastly untalented and I'll never get laid. "Bollocks", I reply, in my usual eloquent fashion to these know-it-alls, "I'm merely stating the facts as they are"

I went out to watch The Passion of the Christ last night. As a non-christian working in a Catholic school, I thought I needed to go and get some sort of an education in what exactly it was that this guy said (alright I've read the book when I was younger anyway but I needed a refresher) and I figured that this would be a good 101. 2 hours later, I had just about reached my blood-and-gore limit and the film dragged on a little longer. Well actually quite a lot longer. 3 hours later, emotionally and bum-numb I crawled out of the cinema having learnt that Jesus was a HARD man who could seriously take beats. And that was about it.

On the way there, I found myself limping down the streets of Putney with my front teeth hanging out. At present I have absolutely nothing physically wrong with me. I just felt a little more comfortable with my front teeth hanging out. I also adjusted my glasses to hang off my face at a funny angle and ruffled up my hair so it looked like I didn't own a mirror.

And I felt calm.

Suddenly I had rectified the discrepancy between what I percieve myself to be in my head, i.e. a complete and utter loser who the girls pity, and what I really am i.e. A fuckin spectacularly cool and talented young man. It was liberating.

It felt good to finally "come out" if you will. I was now displaying to the world what I really saw in myself. A statement that shouted "LADIES! BEWARE!" but not in a sexual way...

I kept this up all night, going to the pub, buying a pint with my front teeth dangling out, then sitting in the corner with a physics book lookin awkward. And all night not ONE girl looked at me with longing in her eyes. But at least now I could chalk it up to the fact that she saw me as the true fuckwit I am and hence I wasn't disappointed like I usually am. All the the girls flatly ignored me, like usual, but I didn't care. Cos for the night I was a cunt.

I externally manifested my inadequacy on purpose, intentionally averting my eyes from any threat of intimacy, looking at my feet and delving deeper into my book whenever any girls so much as glimpsed me. I brushed my hair into Einstein style and gurned all night to maintain that misshapen freak look that I envisage in the mental mirror before I go out on most nights.

And it worked. I got completely and utterly left alone. Nobody talked to me at all, not even the barmaid (I ordered without ANY eye contact at all) I came in alone and I went home alone. Like usual. But this time I got the last laugh. Cos I had planned it that way.

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