Radio 1

Radio 1 needs to be saved desperately.

Having spectacularly missed my plane to Venice the other day by 5 minutes (I was 35 minutes early rather than 40 minutes early and those nice people at Ryanair wouldn't let me on) I found myself sat at home today whiling away the hours flicking through the channels on my radio for a decent Soca station, but found myself listening to Nemone on Radio 1.

It wasn't a particularly inspiring show musically, way too much MOR crap, Coldplay, Travis and watered down commercial dance sprinkled with rubbish pop. I thought I'd stick with it though as it's been a long time since I listened to the BBC's flagship station and I thought that there must be some real personality behind all this sub-mediocre crap to hold this together cos it obviously wasn't gonna be the music that pulled in the punters. I figured that Radio 1 must still have some listeners at midday so it might be worth waiting around to see what type of host could pull this feat off.

What I actually heard was probably the very worst attempt at radio entertainment I have ever heard. And I listen to some truly crap pirate stations in my travels of the airwaves. This Nemone character was so desperately unimaginative, so entirely devoid of personality and humour and so entirely absent in the taste department that I vowed there and then that when John Peel leaves I will never listen to Radio 1 again.

Her discussion topic/attempt at shock-horror humour was to start the show with " I dropped my phone in the toilet the other day and had to fish it out. My God! It was SOOO disgusting. Ring 02xxxxx and lets see what our listeners have dropped in the toilet. And did you get it out? That's the most disgusting part"

Now stop me if you're offended. When hearing discussions like this I really feel like I just don't understand normal social convention. I like to think that I understand the way that most people think but talk like this really confuses me. I really do not understand what audience she is trying to appeal to. What is wrong with fishing out something from the toilet? Have I missed a vital social convention? I have no idea why this is even worth talking about let alone for an entire show.

In India I saw a man drop his wallet down a hole-in-the-floor toilet on a train while taking a shit. He promptly dashed out of the train, scrabbled about for his wallet in the shite, picked it up and rubbed it off and put it back in his pocket. In Ghana, I heard about another venturer who dropped his camera in a 6 ft hole of shit and piss and a local jumping in knee-deep and scrabbling around in the shit with his hands until he found it. In my last job, I stuck my head down the toilet and flushed it just to see what it was like.

So what sort of audience are Radio 1 now catering for? A fucking mollycoddled middle-class bunch of nondescript twats who have never got their hands dirty? A nation of hypochondriacs?

Nemone was so completely dull in her delivery too. Poor subject matter with poor delivery and even poorer tunes. What the fuck has happened to Radio 1?!

Rewind to 1995. Jo Whiley and Steve Lamacq on the Evening Session followed by the magnificent John Peel or Giles Peterson. Now we have that fuckin egotistical prick Colin whatsisfuckingface who is so obsessed with talking about himself he rarely ever gets to play any music on the show at all. The Evening Session is no longer a showcase of new music but instead is a 3 hour show of radio Catharsis for a self-obsessed Irish prat.

The morning show was just a show that lost listeners slowly but wasn't actually that bad. Now after years of tinkering with Zoe Ball and Sara Cox it's been transformed into a show that loses listeners very fast and is absolute shite. Instead of just following their own agenda, Radio 1 feels compelled to follow everyone elses lead and try to better the opposition. With both eyes firmly on the opposition, they have no idea of where they themselves are supposed to be going.

Even as a garage fan I think they have fucked up. Spoony and Co are toothless as Radio 1 could never get EZ. Chris Moyles has been transformed from comedy radio genius into self-obsessed fat twat by horrendous scheduling. And what's happened to Mary Anne-Hobbs?

It looks like the day of Radio 1 is over. With competition from pirates, determined and professional local and specialist stations on analogue and digital radio and internet stations popping up all over the place, Radio 1 really offers poor value/time expenditure.

Listening to radio is an investment of your time and an expenditure of your energy. Don't be complacent and listen to any old crap. Vote with your knobs and stop listening to Radio 1 until they sack the management. Enough is enough.
blog comments powered by Disqus