Final nail in the coffin of my gay fantasy

I've been trying to read all day, too scared to brave the 39 degrees outside, but finding I couldn't even manage Winnie the Pooh, I gave up and remembered that it's been some time since I updated this ere blog.

As I sit here typing, my bro, Uy is sitting passed out by my side from heat-induced lethargy but my nan is out shopping, being more active than both of us two put together.

There's quite a bit to catch up on so I'll get the death-defying stuff out the way first and move on.

My JCA boss, Tim and his bird/my fellow instructor George (real name Charity, but we call her George cos she looks like George from the Famous Five apparently, whoever the hell they are) came up from Dorchester last weekend and we had a mini-reunion with some of the other London-based JCA lot.

After a couple of pints in Covent Garden I decided that Tims suggestion of climbing a scaffolding up a building in the main square of Covent Garden (opposite the old Doc Martins store) was a good idea. Hell no not just a good idea but a great idea that could be improved by monkeying out to the overhang 25ft up and hanging by one arm.

At which point I shit it and dashed down the scaffold and legged it before the police could arrest me.

And speaking of police, the next morning I had an interview with the police in Hendon that resulted in them having to take my fingerprints, more of which later...

That night we went back to Wood Green for a barbeque and the conversation soon went round to my failed attempt to be gay just to get laid, which was deemed by all to have been a little half-hearted. In response we devised a test to test conclusively if I was gay, straight or even bisexual.

Tim (who you must bear in mind was my boss) and George (that's a girl in case you needed reminding) both agreed to snog me while I wore a blindfold. Depending on my reaction we could determine if i was indeed straight, a bender or a fuckin weirdo.

So I blindfolded up and started panicking real bad. Considering that the last person I snogged was Jayne at Warwick over 2 years ago, I was nervous about snoggin a bird let alone a bloke!

...and that's when I felt his lips on mine and his stubble. I screamed and ran off, stumbling over everything in my blind panic.

so it turns out I'm just too homophobic to be gay and probably too frigid to be straight. It was decided there and then that the only way that I am gonna get laid is to find someone who is neither male nor female.

Guess I'd better book that ticket to Thailand then....

Next morning I had an interview at 10am... with the police

Fear not readers, despite my past misdemeanours I was in no trouble with the law. Quite on the contrary, I had actually applied to be the law. I had applied to be a special constable, which if you don't know is a special police officer. So special in fact that they don't get paid. That's pretty special if you ask me.

The interview had been conveniently rescheduled from 1pm to 10am that day and I was told about it the day before on the mobile in the pub in Covent Garden. As a result I had no time to get back from Wood Green to get changed so I turned up smelling like yesterdays barbeque with spilt beer on my scraggy T-shirt and Jeans. After I got the job by the skin of my teeth the interviewer asked me if my bad hair was a religious thing as he couldn't believe that I would have it by choice. Hilarious!

So I am now officially PC Hoang I guess, protector of the people and upholder of justice, Add to that the uniform, truncheon and kinky handcuffs and I think you can safely say I'm gonna get laid some time soon, be it by power-hungry chicks or strange gay men with Village People fetishes. Preferably more of the former and none of the latter.

I then spent Monday to Wednesday doing a Raleigh Challenge workshop, which had nothing really going for it but that I done High Ropes for the first time. What a rush!

Only one more month before I climb back into the graduate clone machine....

This week I'm diggin...

  1. Black-eyed peas "Where is the love?"
  2. Chillin with my old work colleagues and takin my life into my own hands
  3. That feeling of anticipation of knowing that this time next week I'm going to be on stage at Alexander Palace

and I'm buryin...

  1. Raleighs Challenge Workshop. A seemingly pointless venture which just struck me as 3 days of being told off. There is some bad mismanagement going down in SW6 if this is the standard of my favourite youth development charity and it's really saddening to see it. Alienation of your primary support groups (Raleigh in the UK) and cutting your funding from MV doesn't strike me as great business sense.
  2. Any lingering doubt that I may not be straight


Tim - Shave the stubble. It's a bad giveaway and a real homo-turnoff

Soppy - Perhaps you should treat Moomin to some cottage cheese next time you meet in exchange for some of my jism. It could be like a big jizz exchange

C++ and Desperately Seeking a Shag Boy (DSS-boy) - Are you both in Seattle? How frightening.
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