Wish you were here?

Raaaaaaaaaaaaar-harrr-harrr! I just saw Matthew Kelly on "Wish You Were Here", touring Russia to Beijing. Watch your arse Pete, he's comin to get you bro! Bet you Wish you were here now don'tcha bro!!!

Well, it's one more day before I stake my claim to my first 15 minutes of fame. It's quite exciting really. I'm not nervous, cos I have nothin to lose and everythin to gain. What I am a little concerned with though is the startling link between fame and paedophilia these days, and I just wanted to allay some of your fears.

I realise that some of you may have also made the link between being famous and being ritually humiliated in public and ridiculed in the british press on child abuse allegations. I realise that, with my impending fame you probably assume that with fame inevitably comes a charge of paedophilia, but I'd like to assure you here and now that me and E are not, and never were in any way sexually involved officer. It's bags you want officer, I'm an innocent man.

It just seems such a sad state of affairs that celebrities, who should be setting an example to society, are increasingly sourced from just about anywhere. There was once a time when celebrity came as a byproduct of the relentless and determined pursuit of a passion. The famous were people who deserved to be famous because their perseverence in their chosen field had brought them fame. They were masters of their art.

You no longer need talent (as I am setting out to prove this year in my d-list celebrity quest) to be a celebrity, you know longer need to be superbly skilled at what you do and you don't need to be ethically and morally sound. You don't need to be intelligent either as Jade Goody proved last year (and for that matter the rest of the Big Brother lot before her, but I wouldn't be able to name any of them as I've never watched it).

With the rise of "reality TV" as a medium of entertainment we are left in an era of d-list celebrity saturation and it seems that the dumber the celebrity the better. People are dumbing down in accordance to what they see on TV and the cycle of stupidity continues.

So, in typical reactionary fashion, I aim to strike a blow to the currently accepted mode of thinking and reverse the decline myself. I aim to bring some respect, intellect and fashionability back to celebrity. I want the age of real celebrity back, people who you could look up and aspire to, not like the kiddy-fiddlers of today.

How do I intend to go about doing this? Well it's simple. I aim to play the game but by my rules. By the end of the year I will be a D-list celebrity and one of such crackin proportions that the concept of aspiring to be a D-list celebrity will seem ridiculous. I'll make everyone realise that true celebrity is something you have to work for not, like now something that is given to you on a plate. The celebrity that channel 4 are dealing out at the moment is a poor relation. I'll make it clear now that I am merely exploiting the system because that is the way the system is and I acknowledge the existence of a flawed system which allows someone like myself, who has not mastered anything at all to become a celebrity. It's ridiulous. I have done nothing worthy of celebrity and hence this whole thing is a real joke. And that's what I want to prove.

So form a queue here for my autograph kids, cos the world of D-list celebrity is gonna be turned upside down this year. Don't say you weren't warned...
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