When the Cat's away...

Dammit. Just my luck that the firemen are off the roads in the UK and I'm here. I mean with the competition out of the way I could surely have had my pick of any girl in the country. Oh well some you win some you lose.

Been a little held up gettin out of Southern California with some personal issues, but don't worry the cream should clear this mess up soon and they can sew the leg back on when I get home. Not really much to report here I'm afraid so this will be a bit of a ramble to while away the hours so that San Francisco seems a little closer. Oh and while I'm here I guess I might as well slag off my loyal readership a bit and make some crap jokes. Yeah that sounds about right.

Probably the only things of note today happened on the way to the hospital when I filled a car tank up with petrol. Yes, that was unfortunately the first event of note - I filled up a car tank with petrol for the first time. I'm no longer a car-tank-filling virgin. I had very little idea what to do and musta looked like a right fuckwit standing there with this gun thing in my hand, scratching my head and wondering where to put it. Now I know why they always pay people to do it in the movies.

You know it's a slow day when I have to report on something as crap as this don't you.

The second event of note was the van that passed by as i was performing aforementioned gun-totting, head-scratching. It wasn't an "event" as such really. It was just this van advertising "Bimbo" bread.

Yes Orange County really is THAT dull.

Seeing as my life is so terminally dull at present, I'm gonna instead turn this update on it's head and write what's happening in the lives of all the people around me that matter. It's gonna be like an extended "Personals" this issue. Cheers for mailing me all your wicked stuff, it's kept me going through the terminal boredom that is Southern California and you reaffirm my faith in you every time. If my life can't make me laugh, most of yours certainly can! Names have been changed to protect identity. Sometimes. You know who you are.

My overly-hormonal and sexually imaginative (he imagines he's gonna get laid one day but no-one is really holding their breath) cousin Santa Claus has finally sorted his planning out and I've got to say I'm proud of him. As you know Mr Clause, you are like a kid brother to me and I always want to see you doing well. The kid has proved that perhaps he could organise the proverbial shag in the proverbial brothel if such a need did arise. Which in his case it probably will.

He's travelling the wide world starting in early January which gives me a tiny window to take him for a drink/on the pull when I get back. I'm afraid that all of you other bitches will have to wait in line cos he gets first dibs, although to be fair I will be too poor to afford anything alcoholic and he will by then be so tight with funds as well that we pose no threat to the female species at all unless the firefighters decide to go on strike again.

Slutty has decided to give me grief for her new nickname which I'm afraid is now gonna have to stick just for the protestations. I mean what's wrong with Slutty? and yes of course you can call me Slits anytime and I'll still love ya baby!

Chuvs Baboon cracked me up recently with a couple of things. Firstly with the lines "i gotta run now- another lecture to go to. this is getting soooooo
intensive- have way too much work to do!" - not in itself a particularly humourous line but when you take into account that he's an actuary at a multinational yawn corporation, it cracks me up no end. Secondly he busted my guts by telling me that the postcard I sent him, addressed to "Sarjmeister Baboon, room 401 etc" actually got filed in the mailbox under B in his hall. And everyone now thinks he is a right cock! Strike one to the yellow guy. No I mean THIS yellow guy right here.

Oh yeah at this point Sarj, I wanna say thanks for the advice to refrain from throwing myself off buildings in pursuit of a good story. I'm completely gonna ignore it, but thanks all the same.

My bro Uy is a source of constant pride. He's working with mad people at the moment, which is not much different from visiting me, but he's gettin paid to do it which the rest of you fools don't.

Big H and Moola are probably seeing each other down the DSS every week or in the soup kitchen despite being among the most talented pair of individuals that read this piece. I have visions of Pinky and the Brain with Moola saying, "So Big H, what are we gonna do tomorrow?" - "Same thing as we do every day Moola. We're going to take over the world!!!!" Mwahahahahahaha!

Slit has been getting ino more trouble than me which is quite a feat, but not so much fun by the sounds of things. His spell of bad luck includes having his dick bitten off in a fight with an alligator, losing 4 fingers in a bar brawl with some mexicans in Nottingham students union bar, losing all his bodily hair in a drunken game of poker and setting fire to his two remaining testicles with a blowtorch while trying to weld it back on. He also had a bit of trouble with his car.The unsavoury image of Skivs naked body e-mailing me at 2am will probably set me on the road to eternal celibacy. Again.

The other employee of the same multinational yawncorp is now forced to work saturdays because the boss likes having a pretty face in the office. As a man who makes very little money (erm...shouldn't that be none at all? Ed) but has a helluva lot of fun doing so, I have very little sympathy (in fact I reserve my heartiest belly laugh) for those who make loads and complain that they think their job is shit. Wakey wakey! To be fair though, she's not hating her job but it's just a warning to anyone who comes running to me for sympathy in future. You've condemned yourself to the life of a battery chicken and you can kiss my arse.

A certain vet I know is considering wearing her pants on the outside and flying, a dream that I quite aspire to anyway. I might wear my pants on the ourside on the plane home. I will do if every reader of this page gives 10 pounds (where the fuck is the pound sign on these fucking american keyboards!?! Retards! Someone send me the ASCII code) to a cancer charity and sends me proof.

Quantumgirl walks through a graveyard on the way home from work every day and has a bath every week. Oh hang on that reads, "Goes to Bath every weekend". oh sorry.

Everyone knows that The Thould has his own secretary now. Apparently she wipes his arse for him as well now which is the first time he's had him bum cleaned since leaving home. He's workin as a patent lawyer which should come in handy when he realises that I copied all his answers when we were back in uni. Hey mate, I couldn't have got through it without you. Thanks.

c+ in Afrikaans boy has been learning to suck corporate cock the hard way. No I don't mean he's been learning yoga or breaking his own ribs but he actually asked for a pay rise the other day, in the vain hope that someone would recognise his talents. No doubt if he sucked long and hard enough they might have realised just how talented a boy he is, having lived with Fag Matt for 2 years. C++ just bend over and take it like a man! Hope you have got that lucrative contract bro and it didn't leave too salty a taste in your mouth.

He's in the Army now boy is in the army. Now. He's finally joined the ranks of people with guns to fulfill his lifelong ambition and again it makes me proud. I hope you come back with 2 legs or more this time cos last time it broke my heart. It's a fuckin relief that you've done it at last though bro. I knew you would and the next round is mine. That is round of drinks alright, not round as in bullet a distinction that I had better make clear before you pop a cap in my yello ass. phew that was a close one.

Will probably be outta here later this week or next week now as things have changed a little. The adventure could be put on hold because a project has come up that I want to work on while I'm here. You will all see the results one day but I can't tell anyone what it is just now. All I can say to quell some of your questions is "What are we gonna be doing over the next week rather than going to San Francisco again Brain?"...

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