Hot Dog on a Stick

It's been quite a while since I cracked any gags about Shona and I feel that the world is a poorer place because of it. So todays piece is going to be about fast food. Maybe.

As you all know, nothing ever happens around here, so I'm gonna delve into my personal diary for todays funnies. Never let it be said that I don't give you anything bitches.

19 October 2002

Fresno was/is a strange place judging by the tiny snippet I saw tonight. Apparently according to our tour guide, a sprightly chinese guy, bit of a bilingual comedian, Fresno is the 6th largest town in California with a population of 330,000 I think. Mainly farmers he says.

We pulled into this chinese restaurant, Fu Han I think it was called, for dinner. It seems this place was designed for big tour groups [like ours] on the way to Yosemite and the food was dire. In fact it's safe to say it's the second worst place I've eaten since Mr Chans in the Plaza in Downtown Vegas, which in turn was without a doubt the worst place I have ever eaten in the world. No shit.

All the Viet places have been great but the chinese in this country leave much to be desired.

The funniest thing [about Fresno] was probably the fact that, within spitting distance of our coach park chinese shit joint, there were [at least] 3 tattoo parlours [and an army surplus shop and not a lot else]. And a guy with a telescope sitting in a shop doorway looking at the moon. Naturally I asked to have a go and the moon looks fine tonight I'm pleased to say.

The food at the Chinese was so desperately unsatisfactory I decided to amuse myself instead at Weinersneitzels across the road.

Weinersneitzel [is] Americas Most Wanted Hot Dog [according] to the tagline and judging by the standard of hygiene on display I'm not bloody surprised - God knows how many people they've killed!

I opted for the Corn Dog, a delicacy I haven't tasted since they stopped doing them at Thamesmere Swimming Pool when I was 10. To jog your memory a corn dog is a sausage in corn on a stick deep fried to a crisp. I have memories of them being really nice.

However this one tasted uncannily like a piece of toast dippped in vegetable oil and put in the microwave. I can feel a coronary coming on.

Earlier in the day (we left at 6:30am) we went to Solvang, "The Dutch Capital of the USA" a nice [and] tacky tourist town so full of tat I decided to take the whole vat of salt. [all right this place had fake windmills and nothing but gift shops. It was like walking into Hell. On the other hand my memories of Holland, which are limited through consumption, was nothing like this at all. It had far more monkeys...]

The outstanding highlight of that stop was without a doubt...the "As Seen on TV" shop where I finally found the enthusiasm my entire trip has been lacking [I was in Orange County up til then although Vegas was good]. This place was [a] Heaven [made] for me. I mean, I marvelled, I oohed and I aahed and I engaged in conversation with the owner who was a little bemused [anyone who has ever been shopping will know what I'm talking about]

There I saw such overpriced delights as a mini-briefcase just big enough to put business cards in (I would have LOVED to see the advert for that!), a bagel cutter, which was a piece of plastic with a hole in it for putting a bagel in (knife not supplied) and my favourite the electric fly swat.

Now the electric flyswat was a bit of a miracle device. By that I mean, it's a miracle it ever made it into the market - it looks like a disaster waiting to happen!

In short, the electric flyswat takes the effort out of swatting flys. How? I hear you ask. Well, by applying an electric current through the strings of the Electric Flyswat™ you just have to lightly brush the little critter to apply enough electric shock to kill it.

This thing is about half the size of a tennis racket and looks like Tomys "My First Wimbledon" kit [complete with lethal electric effect I may add]

And you still have to chase the fly around the room.

[God only knows what happens if the bugger lands on a babys face in a pram. Poor thing will end up lookin a bit like Bags. The baby won't come off too good either]

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