Really this column is just an excuse to write the personals at this end which, thanks to all the wicked stories I been gettin from you bitches, has got to be one of the funniest ever. I've decided to do an extra long personals section today just to piss someone off as well. You know who you are.

So just to make it worthwhile as a column, I'll take a very British approach and start by talking about the weather for a bit to fool you into thinking I'm actually writing a column and not just slagging you off.

Yes I know how much you guys love it when I talk about the weather over here (and here was me slating someone for saying the same thing to everyone...) but how can I not talk about it when the Sun is out every day, the sand is bone dry and the beaches are this nice?! It's damn good weather, outside is perhaps hmm 27 or 28 degrees but with no cloud cover it's a hazard walking outside most days.

I mean even with my yellow-asbestos, sunburn-proof skin even I run the grave risk of getting a very good tan indeed. Hell I go out for about half an hour a day in a T-shirt and shorts then I have to go back indoors cos if I stay out too long I'll turn as brown as a poo.

...and on that note, now onto the menu of the day


Cez - How dare you choose Chile over America? Bitch! Anyone would think you fancy Rick more than me! What has he got that I haven't other than his long red beard and being your boyfriend? Sulk sulk sulk. You have every reason to be panaroid as well, not because of what I said, but because you're probably gonna realise just how much you fancy me when you finally do track down the gay porn pictures I took and posted on the web.

Lou - Cheers for the mail bitch always a pleasure to here from you and I'll make it extra special funny so your sister breaks her waters early. You and Trish know a thing or two about cults, got any tips where to find them? I doubt I've got enough time this time around though to be fair, but I'll pay em a flyin visit (ha! Flyin' visit! Cult! Geddit?!) when I'm passin through in my spaceship. Don't forget to check out the archives as well because I've been writing so much that this thingy has had to archive it, but if you get through the 20,000 odd (yes that's 20,000 odd as opposed to 20,000-odd) words then take a look at my mate Matt's blogspot on and pay particular attention to the one about James Rough which is legendary writing in my humble opinion.

Matt -

You yourself are a flawed genius, much like the internationally renowned impotence commercial star, Pele
You're skilled manipulation of the English language, is like the dextrous and silky passing down at the Valley
And like Alan Curbishley's Charlton Athletic Football Club from South London
The stuttering and posturing of your prose is always in abundance
But keep on writing because practice will in time lead to perfection
Never mind if you require pills to maintain an erection
You are a great humour writer but perhaps in search of direction
I look forward with baited breath to a compilation of your collection

Moola - I've decided to add value to your investment by NOT printing it up on this website today. Or ever. It's yours and just for you to keep. Use the force bro. Oh yeah I wouldn't have touched Rebecca with a twelve foot prong! That look though! I actually fell off my chair!

Ants - I'm not gonna give you a personal this time just to piss you off.

Slit - I will try and tape the kung fu ladies-only volleyball if it comes on again - it was SO fucking amazing that I don't think you can truly say you've lived until you have seen this. I don't think you realise quite what I mean when I say this. It was the single most amazing thing I've seen from watching TV ever. This is the reason the TV was invented.

V - I'm afraid I don't believe that the wart-biter bush cricket exists because it is FAR too funny and anything with a funny name is doomed to extinction as has been proven time and again in history. Take for example the Dodo and the Euplocephallus and all the other phalluses that lived in the Triassic period and I think you will find that your department is actually playing a very cruel joke on you.

Z - Isn't it about time you got out of B+B and started going to B+Bs in O to the Zee? You know what I mean, I'm not being mean, just don't want you wasting away on the banking scene.

Yeah baby looks like we got the full A-Z here! Man I'm good...

Andy 2002

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