Splash

A while back I was walking around Madrid when I dropped into an Irish pub for a piss.



As urinals 2,4 and 6 were occupied I made my way into the cubicle where somebody had earlier finished a pint of beer and left the glass on the back of the cistern. Like any man, I couldn't resist it and was gobsmacked, not just by the fact that I managed to fill the entire pint, but that it actually looked identical to a pint of Fosters.

Hmmm I can see a business opportunity here.



For those of you who haven't seen one of these it's called a Urinal Fly. The urinal fly reduces the amount of piss spillage that occurs at urinals because men have an innate desire to aim for stuff when taking a piss, so by putting a fly in there, our pee just magnetically gravitates in that direction. It's all pretty scientific, working on very basic male psychology to reduce mess. Heck you even get a booklet with advice on the optimum place to stick the urinal fly in the urinal to reduce the amount of splashback on your punters shoes when you purchase a pack of 100. Why you'd need 100 urinal flies is still a mystery.

If there were 100 flies in my urinal I'd ask them to clean the damn place.

This is a typical Egyptian toilet. As you can see it comes with a copper loop in it



Working on the psychology above, the loop is like a piss magnet and even though logic tells us that pissing in the loop will get our shoes wet, we still can't really help ourselves. On top of this the loop is placed just about over the chocolate starfish position, so that some soiling of the loop is inevitable during your daily triple S (Sh*t/Shower/Shave) ritual.

So if this copper loop is just going to be covered in shit and piss and still gets your shoes wet, what is it doing there, you may ask. Well the loop is attached to a bit of plumbing, which strangely seems to be connected to the only hot water source in the house. Even though you can't get hot water from the shower head, you can be sure that if you flip the tap attached to the copper loop you will get a searing hot jet of water up your arse, which probably contains a lot of piss and shit at first until the pipes are cleaned out, conveniently discharging their filth up your butt in the process.



I suppose you could say that things get worse before they get better in these parts.

Now you may notice that the taps are located behind the s(h)itter and hence when you are seated you need to reach, yogalike behind your backside to turn on the waterworks.

Last weekend I went to Siwa and stayed in Youssef's hotel, the cheapest place in town, costing a mere 15 LE, which translates as £1.50 sterling, a bargain complete with two 2 inch cockroaches and my own en-suite bathroom.

I slept on the roof of Youssef's that night under the stars and the next morning I got up for my customary morning double S (I don't shave much as regular readers will know) in the standard order.

Realising that the room came with no bog roll, I flexed and turned the tap on getting a stream of lukewarm water up my crack and trying not to think too much about the communal nature of hotels or how many people had been in this room before me. As the water quickly heated up, I decided that a steady trickle over a long time would be preferable to a rapid upward cascade of scalding water up the rectum.

Satisfied that most the clingons were gone I got up and bent over to reach the tap to turn it off, leaning over the throne as I went.

If you've ever tried to switch a dial on behind your back with one hand then put it in front of you and tried to switch it off with the other hand as a result of changing your orientation you'll know what happened next.

Siwa is well known for it's proliferation of hot springs in the desert. I wasn't expecting to see one quite this close up.

I leaned over and with my left hand and twisted the tap really fast before quickly realising the errors of my ways as the jetstream smacked me right in the face.

Shit.

Probably.

Good thing that shower was the next one on the list and I was certainly not going to complain about not getting any hot water this time.


(Thank to MySpace Games for the urinal game)