This is one I wrote ages ago on another site and I thought I'd best preserve it for posterity. After all it's not every day you get to meet a gorilla with a strap-on ballbag is it...
What a bloody crazy trip! I of course mean that in more ways than one. What can I say? Well all that everyone actually knows about is the Gorilla incident, and I'll get to that in time. But first let's get some background on this whole thing.
The trip was organised by the Warwick TaeKwonDo Club to blow the final funds. It's a wicked club and always has money left over at the end of the year so this year decided to actually do something with the money so treated us to a crazy bender in Amsterdam at a reduced price.
So we get to Victoria at something like 9PM, Thursday to check in for the coach which leaves at 10. I suggest that with an hour to wait we could and should get some beer down us so Me, Chris, Ash, Pete and a couple of other guys head off to the nearest pub and knock back three pints each as a nice bit of warming up. Chris then suggests we get some spirits and take them with us on the coach too, which obviously seemed like a great idea, so we knocked on down to Threshers and got a bottle of Bacardi and 2 bottles of Coke between the 4 of us. I vaguely remember someone saying that that worked out at 8 shots each or something. By the time I got to dover I was convinced that Paul wanted to fuck me and apparently tried to shag him on the floor at Dover before we boarded the ferry.
On the ferry I apparently went missing for 45 minutes. I don't even remember where I was so I must have been lost. I do remember playing Time Crisis 2 with Ash though and getting further than I'd ever got before, which says a lot about how good I am at it. God only knows how I found my way back to the coach as next thing you know I was awake in Amsterdam wanting to throw up.
After about 2 hours sleep the lot of us decided to inflict ourselves on the town and headed straight for Amsterdams main tourist attraction for students and pubescent boys alike, The Amsterdam Sex Museum. What a fucking great (and rather twisted) place. It was a really professional museum actually and had some quite good displays and things, not quite the sordid excuse for a museum that I was expecting. I got a bit of a surprise from this chair that gives you one up the arse when you sit on it (while watching a porn movie may I add) and had quite a good all round laugh. There was a pretty sick shock too in the fetishes and weirdos section, where I saw a load of weird shit like this woman taking a pig and another of this bloke putting his end away in a horse while a bird is giving it a blow. Not pleasant but my not that shocking as my mate Jon showed me a load the other day anyway on the internet that he stumbled across, and it's on sale in all the sex shops we went into afterwards in the afternoon.
The evening rolled on real quick and after yet more continued drinking we decided to go out to the Red Light District and I suggested that we go to a live sex show. Chris, Ash, Pete, Dave and a couple of other guys were up for it so we went around, shopping for the best price, but soon found out that all the fucking places were owned by the same company the Theatre Casa Roso had a fucking monopoly. So we ended up going to the Theatre Casa Roso surprisingly for 50 guilders a head, but not until Pete talked the bouncer into giving us a free drink.
So we get in there and find all the seats taken up. The bulk of the crowd are a bunch of ODB's (Old Dirty Bastards) and there's us, tanked up like walking brewerys and out for a laugh. Anyway we ended up having to take the best seats in the house, the ones that no other wanker would take, right at the front next to the stage.
So the show starts and you get this woman on who gets jiggy with a candle. All very amusing stuff and there's us at the side pissing ourselves. The next act was this Brazilian whore. She's dancing around getting naked whatever and then she turns to us lot at the side of the stage and points to Pete. Pete, pissed as a fart can't believe his luck and is on stage faster than you could say "Somebody stop me!"
Next thing you know she's rubbing her norks up and down his face and starts stripping him off! He's visibly shitting himself and the front of his pants are filling up too, when she gets the concealed dildo out (Where did she hide that?). She get's him to lay down and sticks her muff in his face, and when it comes off his tongue he's grinning like a cat in cream (bad analogy to use I know). Then she inserts the aforementioned into you-know-where.
We are pissing ourselves right the way through the next 3 acts (one of which involved a nun and a monk-I thought they weren't allowed to do that sort of thing...) and taking the piss-Pete was convinced she quite fancied him, all thinking that we were home and dry. How wrong we were.
Pete's bird comes back on for the finale and she's into her audience participation. And guess what? She obviously didn't much like the idea of having one of the other greasy motherfuckers from the audience on stage. The guy on the opposite side of the stage had a beer in his left hand and more froth on the end of his right I presume, by the way his right seemed to be pumping like a fucking piston. So she looks our way again and points at 5 of us, Me, Dave, Ash, Pete and some other guy. Chris was left in the audience with his mini camera conveniently.
So we're standing on stage (I'm dancing about obviously-I'm not about to pass up a spotlight like this) and Pete decides he'll try his luck and starts chatting her up for fucks sake! "So Love, where are you from?", "Brazil", "What's your phone number?"-The rest of us cringe. At which point she whispers into each of our ears, "Get your trousers down!". Oh shit! But before we could actually do anything she had 'em down for us. So the five of us are in a line looking like an A J P 7-ball parade. And as if that isn't enough, she makes us dance round the stage in a line.
Now things started to get interesting. Out of nowhere, this gorilla jumps on the stage, with a 12 inch strap on dildo. Things couldn't get any more surreal if I made it up. And this gorilla joins in the trousers down dance thing at the end of the line. Pete decides that he's gonna deck him too, but i think he was probably just being protective of his woman. I think Chris was busily snapping away and I'll post the piccies right here if I get enough demand but who the hell would want to see me with my trousers down, prancing about on stage with a gorilla and a topless Brazilian Whore anyway? Weirdos.
And for the finale, She pulls out a concealed banana (again I can't be too sure where she actually hid it. And anyway after reading what happened next I'm sure you'll agree, I don't think it matters.) and shoves it in and peels it. Dave's the first up and has to take a bite and while he's down there the gorilla jumps on him and starts giving him one! And we all have to go down one by one.
Obviously, being up for a laugh I decided to give the gorilla a little surprise of my own. I took my mouthful and the minute I felt it on me I turned round and started giving it myself. I kind of shocked her (the Brazilian said it was a bird inside apparently but I couldn't really tell through the gorilla mask) but I earned myself quite a bit of extra time on stage. Admittedly it was spent shagging a monkey with a dildo but stage time is hard to come by these days.
We ended off the night drinking in a student bar and walking home for 6 in the morning. What an amazing night. The rest of the weekend could never live up to that night so I won't bother to tell you about our visits to coffee shops the next day or the trip home, but I'm sure you can imagine it.
