Missiles at Warwick part 3 - "Better than a slap in the face?"

Hey Mister Warwick-boy, duck it's Me
The A-N-D is gonna teach you 1-2-3
Stand up and acknowledge the PhD
Get pen, make notes on Irony

Irony is a subtle comedy
It's nature is compliementary
It's humour derives from subtlety
like being alive in a cemetary

Monday nights when you listen to cheese
look around at the walking dead you see
Stop for a second to appreciate
you are the punchline to this sick joke

Alanis mentioned irony with a knife and spoon
you dance on drink like a blind baboon
you're lucky if you get an inch of space
the nights so shit you get off your face

You drink to forget, there's not much to remember
you're shaking, not your ass, but cos it's November
you know all the moves to 5ive like a fucking clone
You have no personality to call your own

Alanis' cutlery was just a pain in the arse
Irony is an angel with a devils laugh
Irony is the highest and the hardest form of humour
Sarcasm is his poorer cousin, a carcinogenic tumour

Sarcasm is a brute without charm
Irony is the Gentleman with his wife on his arm
Sarcasm is rude and spits in your face
Irony is elegant and sweet to the taste

Most of you think that they are both the same
That a Rose is a Turd by another name
You think you can play when you aint even seen the game
You ride through the shit on a subway train

But you continue to buy your ticket to ride
Unable to think for yourself, you buy what's advertised
Too scared are you to step out of line
Afraid of marginalisation if you speak your mind

So you get drunk and pretend that you like this shit
you run the risk of sinking in this human cesspit
Cheap whores in masks pretend to be your friend
Swim in what's deep don't drown in the shallow end

It's not just the music but the attitude
In a world of shit how can you be you?
If this world is yours then I will leave you be
It all boils down to Integrity

Refer to your notes from lecture 2
If you're a wise man then why do you act like a fool?
You are an individual
Get up off the floor, speak your mind, stand tall

Andy 2002
Vancouver, walking down the street in the rain
19:19

Prepare to be astounded

It's new years eve and I'm sitting in my living room with a warm cup of tea and my laptop, a big smile on my face and a book. Why am I not out partying? Well the answer's simple...

I don't need to.

I've partied non-stop for the past six months, it's not really as though I'm missing out by not freezing my nuts off and getting drunk tonight. You all know how much I don't really do getting drunk and throwing up anyway, and my idea of a good time isn't seeing my friends drunk, but seeing them being real.

On top of that though, I'm preparing for next year. This is the year where I will surprise you all with something. The closest to me will know a little what I'm talking about but this is going to be my year. This year I'm going to blow you all away with what I'm preparing tonight. I don't particularly want to go out anyway, I've got this idea up my sleeve and it aint gonna go away.

I don't need to go out and party tonight. I'm not the one who's got catching up to do.

And here's one you missed earlier part 9 - Laptop Diary archive

Get over it

"But you've got to love it - It's James Bond" - Michael, LA
"No Attack of the Clones wasn't crap" - Carl, msn from England to OC
"Eminem was SO COOL in that movie. Man it's the best movie in the world ever" - Michael, LA

Guys, guys, guys - stop for a second and engage your brain and your taste. These were all pretty crap movies on their own merit really weren't they. Face it guys, Bond is a franchise, we all know what's going to happen from the moment he walks on the screen at the beginning and points his gun at us, to the point where he gets laid at the end. I HAVEN'T got to love it at all, in fact quite the opposite - they've told me the same joke with THE SAME punchline 20+ times and it just isn't funny any more. In fact, it's even less funny every time, because it becomes so stylized and predictable. Bond has to give us something that will surprise us, something that really you don't get anywhere else to keep us interested. Does he? Hell no.

Attack of the Clones was a horrendous film. I'm going past a forest on the train and typing this on my laptop and frankly the trees out there would have made a less wooden cast. Ewan McGregor, you should be ashamed of yourself, you are a veteran actor, but your plastic toy figure has been consistently more lifelike than you were in that film. The acting was horrendous, the script was more ad-hoc than a kung-fu movie (although the action scenes were less lifelike and less interesting in AoTC) and it was WAY too long. Most people leave and say how great the Yoda scene was, which it was, but I find it kinda sad that the Computer Generated sprite was the most convincing character in the film.

Eminem. Yes he is cool. But a close-up of his face in EVERY SINGLE FRAME of the movie was a little overenthusiastic and said a lot for the rest of the cast. Kim Basinger is truly in the twilight of her career and she looked and sounded completely washed up (which she was meant to but not in the way that she finally was - that was just down to bad acting). The movie went nowhere, and not particularly fast either - the plot was pretty laughable and really played on the trump card (Eminem) to generate any sort of interest from what was essentially a very flimsy script, written for Eminem and with dollar bills in mind. Of course Eminems gonna fill up picture houses everywhere. Because Eminem is SO COOL.

And what do these films (and those quotes) have in common? It's obvious. Suspension of taste and individual thinking in favour of sucking up the franchise through a straw like an invalid. Come on guys, I expect two educated boys like yourselves to be capable of objective thought, and to really be able to see when something is of true quality or when shit is being given to you in a fancy box. Think for yourselves.

But that moves me on to another film I saw recently, also involving big names and CGI supporting cast. Also a cult movie, or destined to be one.

The Two Towers was a magnificent achievement. It was a riproaring rollercoaster ride from start to finish, the acting was top-notch, there was no hamming up the emotions, the action was truly brethtaking and the script, from Tolkiens age-old Novel, shows these young rookies a thing or two about storytelling I can tell you. Sod the other three movies if you've got 10 bucks to spare (by buck I mean that in whatever currency as it's about that price wherever you go) and go and see the Two Towers. If you think it's crap then say so, but for gods sake don't just say what everyone else says or think that something is good because someone is cool or famous. True quality is something you search for, it's not just handed out on a plate.

And here's one you missed earlier part 8 - Laptop Diary archive

Cez

I'm bloody glad that I managed to put you off Warwick and that you've chosen Durham because of me. I guess it does put you the tiniest bit closer to Ricktor as well too. But the main reason I'm glad and happy is that you've averted a near-disaster. You've chosen life over an existence of mediocre shite. Congratulations.

Don't get me wrong I'm told that you can have a really good time in Warwick if you just try a little harder than I did. I was told by people in Warwick to lighten up. But when you look at me do you see a guy who needs to learn how to smile? No I thought not.

That place suffocates any chance you may have of having a genuinely good time if you are a person with any creativeness in you at all or if you possess even a tiny sense of adventure. They squeeze those two qualities right out of you and force you on the road to blandness, where you are made to tow the line. Warwick is the place to go if you really like blandness and a mediocre existence, if your lifes ambition is to be pretty much the same as everyone else and to not make too much of a show. It's the place to go if you just want to be forgotten and unnoticed in life.

Yeah Cez, Warwick is not really the place for a person like you. It wasn't the right place for a person like me and I'm still catching up on the time I lost. I'm glad you didn't make the same mistake.

And here's one you missed earlier part 7 - Laptop Diary archive 24 December 2002

Surprise!

I know by now that most of you would be used to my antics and not a lot would surprise you any more. I also know that the only thing that is guaranteed to surprise you is if I suddenly, and quite miraculously, got laid.

Well prepare to be surprised.

Alright then, don't. I haven't really got laid, I just thought it was a good start to my column, but I had you going didn't I? Oh come on it isn't that unlikely is it!?!

grrrrrrrrrrrrr.....

Alright then, just a quick reminder that the travelling adventurer soon returns with stories galore and the odd present. Some of the above information may be false.

So may some of the following...

• I am still called Andy
  
• I have a long beard
  
• I am oversexed and barely able to walk in a straight line
  
• I return on the 29th December into Terminal 1 at 10:50 on flight VS10, where I shall procure myself another sickbag
  
• I still have full use of all my limbs albeit in a limited capacity
  
• I have met a gangster
  
• I am floating on a cloud far away in the Andes
  
• I have smoked a joint recently
  
• I can ski fairly well
  
• Despite all the crazy shit that has happened this year, at least one more amazing thing is lined up
  
• I've been on TV this year
  
• I have actually bought something for someone
  
• I am wearing odd socks
  
• I watched USA 94 with an Iranian barber
  
• I have had a wicked holiday
  

Maybe some of it's true. Maybe all of it's false. Or maybe you can ask me when I get back.

Pandycakes

And here's one you missed earlier part 6 - Laptop Diary archive 24 December 2002

Merry Christmas Turkeys!

It's Christmas Eve and I'm on the train to Washington DC via NYC. Yes, I'm gonna be passing New York City and it's a white christmas for me on this side of the Atlantic. So I thought I'd happily just type a quick Merry Christmas to all my loyal column-reading bitches on my laptop while I speed through the white landscape and just do my damndest (as usual) to make you green-jealous of my perpetual holidaying antics.

I've just left Montreal where I've had the best time (Do I say that every time...?) with some cousins and uncles. I'm facing the fact now that all good things come to an end, and that I am metaphorically staring the UK in the face. I can barely believe that the end is nigh. Worse than that though is the fact that the end of Canada is only hours away, as I cross the border from Heaven to Hell (i.e. back into the US) by the end of the day.

Christmas, as everyone knows, is a time for reflection, and I think I'll take this time to reflect on what a bloody good time I've had in Canada. A BLOODY good time.

It's gonna take a bit of memory to get all this in but let's start at the beginning.

I began in Downtown Vancouver maybe just over 2 weeks ago, where I discovered the joy of a strong currency in a developed country. It was more fun than losing my virginity. With rain and cold the norms up in this beautiful country I felt at home straight away and the locals made me feel more than welcome as I hung out with a plumber at a sushi bar and a lesbian the next day. But once again, the Japanese proved again just how great Japanese are when it comes to travelling the world.

Regular readers of this column and/or my mind will know I love the japanese. They are without a doubt the most hilarious travellers of the world that a backpacking man will meet. Conservatism is not really an option an the japanese swing either way when it comes to travelling, that is every which way but normal. I've met japanese hindu and buddhist saddhus in India, Dreadlocked Japanese football players in London, Japanese speaking Vietnamese sushi chefs in Vancouver and Japanese schoolgirl waitresses across the world. And, along with a limited grasp of English, which seems to be the norm, they have the great sense of humour, and a devilish veneer of conservatism which hides the most mischievious deviances.

By the end of the first night I was soaking in Sake (on the house) and me and my newfound plumber friend, Jeff went off around town to see the sights in his big plumber van. He was supposed to meet me the next day at Samurai, but didn't turn up so I ended up getting sake and sushi on my own with a very attractive lesbian, which was also quite a stunning night out.

Moving on to Calgary, I had a truly great time with my family there, learnt to ski, saw some animals and the Premier of Alberta, made a speech, etc etc and met the best cat in the world, and learnt that I am perhaps not the #1 maker of mischief any more. There's a new cat in town.

Toronto, stayed with Jewish or catholic family I think. Jetlagged and tired but a good place to rechage my batteries. By now I was becoming acutely aware that I was absolutely fucked in a knackered kind of way. Oh yeah and I saw Niagara falls and went to a casino and BRILLIANT Japanese mall (I left all the stuff I bought at their house though by accident - DOH!)

Montreal - 5 hours late on the plane - hilarious ride! Beautiful city, Wonderful family, I want to go back. Went to a temple for a day to pray and learn buddhism too.

Now, on a train to NYC - feel absolutely knackered, but this is the final stretch. I have to just pull up my socks and get on down one last time then I can sleep on the plane home before doing it all over again. Mischief UK 2003 beckons methinks...

And here's one you missed earlier part 5 - Laptop Diary archive 7 December 2002

Seattle, WA - 7 December 2002

Alright Alright I'll admit it I bumped into a tree. But that's only half the story. The other half is that Seattle is such a beautiful city that I was looking at the Space Needle over my shoulder when it happened. I'm a city boy and Seattle has that nice big city feel that I thrive on. It's like plugging me into a socket. The Return of the Energiser Bunny.

Interesting hostel. There are only 2 internet terminals here as opposed to the 3 at San Francisco. Everyone here seems to have their own Laptop like me so I feel quite at home here already.

It is a really nice hostel actually and Seattle has struck me immediately as a really beautiful place, even though I've got here as the sun was setting. I've just been out for a walk in the dark to accustom myself with the place a little and went to this bookshop where I bought a book called the Tao of Physics, which I had heard about but not seen before. It seemed a little like destiny as it was on the display in the physics section at a price i could afford, and only yesterday I wrote a piece on the parallels between Eastern Philosophy and Modern Physics in The World Warrior. It all seemed to fall into place. I also bought a book on Haiku and Marx and Engels Communist Manifesto. It was a really good bookshop Arundel Books on 1st Ave and the guy, although he was supposed to be closed, stopped and talked for a good 15 minutes after the shop had closed about all the books I should read and showed me around. Note to self - read Edgar Allen Poe and find out that artist guy he showed me.

I'm going back to the shop tomorrow and will probably end up spending quite a bit of time and money there I suspect. I may have the books shipped home though as the weight of books on top of what I'm already carrying will probably kill me. I am a Man not a pack-horse. I am however working on my very last US Dollars and am kinda counting on stayin the last bits of this month with the relatives, so I'm gonna gamble my last US Dollars away and use English money into Canadian dollars when I get to Vancouver. That should be more than adequate and with the money saved on US sales tax (8% in this state) because I'm shipping the books home I should be able to pay for P+P so there's no skin off my nose.

I picked my e-mail up earlier and Bags here's one that will interest you - I got one signed off with the words "Love, a 14 year old girl". Officer things are not what they seem! Although you are a babe, Eden you're not really my type in a kind of generational-gap kind of way and I'm sure that I probably haven't broken any hearts by saying that. Bags you cause me all sorts of legal trouble, I should have you fired.

Bruce Lees grave tomorrow methinks. I found out that Jimi Hendrix lived and died here too, but I'm not really the biggest Hendrix fan anyway. I didn't manage to get Big Calis phone number either, which is a bugger, cos he was off taking a piss when I got off the train. He promised me a pizza when I got to Seattle so I may go on a pizza-shop mission around town to every pizza joint in town lookin for him. Sounds like a good enough laugh.

Personals

Eden - cheers for gettin back to me so fast babe. I hadn't expected to see you ever again, I thought you'd had quite enough of me already. Don't listen to what Mike was sayin, I wasn't hittin on you - you know it and so do I. Cheers for makin 24 hours on the train seem like a short amount of time.

Big Cali - I will track you down dog. I'm comin for that pizza because a promise is a promise. Cheers for the food and the inspiration. Frame them and send me a photo dog.

Ants - Where the fuck is that address? I hope you got the joke and you're not ignoring me cos you thought I was seriously rippin' you! Ha! Fuck it i'll make it an open competition - First one to find me the address of Characters Management Limited (NOT a spelling mistake) in Stoke Newington wins a prize. I just want to send someone a postcard, and first one who sends me the address gets a postcard too. As a starter for 10 points I will tell you it's in Stoke Newington Church Street, possibly in an army cadets building. The address of the army cadets building is good enough.

Ants Again - I been thinkin I may pop in to see you on the way back from Heathrow bitch. If I'm in your part of town it makes sense no? I pull in on 27 or 28 i think. can't remember but if you yay it I'll be there.

Suze - What do you mean by "raving"?

B from L - I wonder if you have read and understood. A philosphy is nothing but words until it is understood and acted. Strangely, just after reading your last email I ended up in a pool hall just down the road but couldn't get on a table to hustle. damn. They play like pussies in this country though. Put any of em on a snooker table and they'd have trouble beating the even the mighty Marco Fu.

Taz - A mortician is WHAT exactly? Is that a beautician for dead people or a beautiful dead person? Either way things don't look good here blood. Keep me hanging on though, cos it's my own dumb fault for being gone so long. I can tell that this will be such a mighty session up town or in your gaffe or mine we may need to book 2 days. Also are you and the Truong goin to be bustin out to the high and mightys this NYE? It's not really my scene to be honest but it's the boy I want to see.

And here's one you missed earlier part 4 - Laptop Diary archive 7 December 2002

When in Rome...

Most of my friends are aware that I drink Tea. Lots of Tea all day and it's normally Earl Grey, Loose leaf. I like tea and I don't drink it for energy or to wake me up because it has no effect on me in that way.

However, some of my friends also know never to give me coffee. Ever. It's fucking dangerous.

It makes me hyperactive.

On the way to the hostel in which I'm staying right now I passed possibly 20 coffee shops from the station. Seattle is the home of Starbucks and the people of Seattle have long been known to have a deep java fascination. And while I'm here I will no doubt have to partake in some of the local brew myself.

God help the poor bastards who live here...

And here's one you missed earlier part 3 - Laptop Diary archive 7 December 2002

Almost certain

Not many things are certain in life but I've found one thing that is. Wherever I go, people love me. Maybe it's the cheeky grin and that glint of mischief in my eye, or maybe it's because I get the first round, but it seems to be the case wherever I go. Next holiday Afghanistan for Valentines day then...

The other almost-certainty in life (i.e. not a dead cert as such but perhaps a cert in a coma) is that I will forever remain single. Why the hell this is given the first is a F.C.U.S.A.ing mystery to us all. The guys love me (not that I would go THAT far to break this curse mind...) for being the funniest man alive and the chicks love me in a purely platonic way for being the village idiot.

Oh to break up the flow here, I'd just like to report that out of my window to the left I have just seen a bus with the words "Ride the Duck" emblazoned on it, full of christmas decorations and people with Santa Clause hats on. It's December 7th.

As you all well know, I shall continue full throttle with being the funniest village idiot alive and won't goddamn change for anyone. Long may my antics continue! But I might skip Afghanistan. For somewhere more lethal on Feb 14.

I've been thinkin about America and, now that I'm a good 30 hours or more away from Southern California (they've got guns down there you know) I thought I'd voice my opinions, not just on what they've got wrong but on what the yanks are actually getting right.

To break up the flow again I just have to add that the guy behind me has a horrendous ringtone on his phone that is the same tune as one of the horrendous digital tunes I had to put up with on my Grandads Made in China. It sounds more cheesy in Orange County though.

Of course there's no point in me listing ALL the things that the Yanks have got wrong, as you all are able to read newspapers, so I'm not gonna involve myself in any way in the iffy world political arena. and anyway that would just be dull. I only deal with the real issues.

Wrong - Flushing Urinals. No bugger really wants to touch a flush handle after countless men have used the same hand to hold on to their cocks.

Right - Automatic Flushing urinals. Probably saves water, although I have one objection. The detector looks like a hidden video camera and is placed at exactly knob-level. Any of you who know me well enough know that I actually believe that those supermarket red light thingys have a little man underneath them with a camera and red light on his helmet, so this is naturally a very frightening prospect.

Wrong - Oh my god. I've just gone past a station called Kent. It's almost like being at home. It looks like shit here too.

Right - Buses that have the words "Ride the Duck" emblazoned on the side. Truly a testament to animal cruelty

Wrong - Jay walking as a criminal offence. Jay should be allowed to walk wherever he likes regardless of what he is called. Did they arrest you J++ or did you come in on a fake passport? The criminalisation of pedestrianisation coupled with the American consumer bent and horrendous driving tendencies can only be condusive to creating a society which disregards and condescends upon the humble hiker.

Right - Every house has a bath and a shower. All the homes I've gone into, even the trailer parks, have a tap thingy that does showers as well as baths. Most houses in England are still forced to choose.

Wrong - A load of people don't even have a house. The homelessness problem is immense. I thought this was supposed to be a developed country. I've only seen more homeless people in India, but to be fair there were a HELL of a lot moroe homeless people in India.

Right - Those ads in the back of the free newspapers that crack me up and the writing style in the offbeat magazines. Take this random selection from The Portland Mercury, which have in my hand...

• Out of Control? Pornography? Compulsive masturbation? Adultery? Strip Shows? Prostitution? Compulsive cross-dressing? There is a solution. Sex Addicts Anonymous. (503) 52-5961 www.portlandsaa.org
  
• Look Good Hot and sweaty $10 Intro. 10 days unlimited yoga. 4831 NE Fremont 503-284-0555 www.bikramportland.com
  
• Clothing optional Co-ed Hot tubs, sauna, $10/hour. 360-695-1824 www.uptownvillagehealth.com - gift certificates available
  

Or try this selection from Seattle Weekly (I'm in the hostel now)

• Need to pass a drug test? Pass every time with Testclear.com TOLL FREE 866-837-8253
  
• Experience "Joy"! 1-800-578-3674 Honest Tarot Expert for private good rates
  
• Christian? Single? 206-575-2424 www.equallyyoked.com
  
• Is he cheating? Is she cheating? Need proof? Find out now! Discrete professional Confidential free call 1-877-376-6281
  

Every one a classic

Wrong - The obsessive compulsive disorder of ID'ing that this country has. People in the UK get embarrased when they have to ask people who patently look 15 for ID but here they don't bat an eyelid asking an old-lookin guy like me for ID wherever I go.

Right - Local calls are free. They've had this for a long time and that's why the web for free is not such a shocking idea over here.

Wrong - Most art galleries and museums cost money. I guess it's only fair but I'm a spoilt Londoner with an art fetish

Right - Road signs face the right way. It took me a while to work out what was going on with this. Those big green signs hanging from the lampposts at junctions are actually the name of the road intersecting and not the road that you are on. The signs make it obvious which road you are at because it presumes you already know which road you are on. We Brits put our roadsides, on the other hand, in the most difficult to find, darndest places, and it's normally only AFTER you've gone past the street that you realise that that's where you wanted to turn.

Wrong - Toilets. NOT restrooms. A restroom is somewhere where you go to rest and, although i have slept under a pool table in leeds and in a hammock in a jungle in Ghana, I wouldn't ever consider resting in a toilet. Period

Wrong - Periods. People do not have their periods at the end of every sentence. They would die.

Right - Christmas. It's starts at Thanksgiving (well alright it starts in October like it does in England) but it's BIG. We are materialistic at Christmas on both sides of the Atlantic, let's be fair about this, but they do it with style over here. It's actually quite an exciting build up if I must say so myself.

Right - ATMs everywhere. There are loads of places you can stick your card and get money out including petrol pumps.

I could go on like this forever but there's another certainty I hadn't mentioned earlier. I wouldn't live here forever for all the clam chowders in Pier 39 at San Francisco. And damn those things are a good idea!

Because I love London and London loves Me. And I kinda miss all you bitches.

And here's one you missed earlier part 2 - Laptop Diary archive 7 December 2002

LA Life part 2 - Thug Lifes End
(Renamed "Crip Life is no good" by Big Cali)

Why should I stop when it feels so good
The gift of words raised Me from the hood
between here and there are a pile of books
you get nowhere with just envious looks

When you write and you read you give yourself real strength
Youthful greed has just a finite length
Knowledge is Power with unlimited depth
Don't be weak, dig deep and fight til your final breath

A lawyer in a suit can kill a thousand men
When you pull the trigger you kill only one
The big game and the fame you seek can be won
Your candle is weak next to the sun

There is no excuse for not standing tall
You live in the hood - but don't we all
You can't eat the big fish when you're only small
Take the shackles off your mind, but not your eye off the ball

Education is the Free way from slavery
Ridin with your dogs aint bravery
Open your eyes and you will see
The slavemaster is the slave and that is me

Andy 2002

And here's one you missed earlier part 1 - Laptop Diary archive 7 December 2002

Portland to Seattle Train 7 December 2002

I'm writing this on my laptop on Amtrak to Seattle, which kindly provides plug sockets on this line. Seattle is the centre of technology, Silicone valley and Microsoft providing a magnet effect for nerds the world over and this train is probably so full of techies that I imagine it would be empty if they didn't provide Laptop power plugs.

Portland was a wonderful city, truly beautiful although I can't really pass fully informed judgement because I was only there for one night and in the rich Pearl district at that. I spent this morning, before I got on this train, checking out the local art galleries and this wicked Glass Art supplies place where they do lessons and sell glasss stuff. If I'd only known it was there I woulda come here earlier and taken up lessons - it's bloody fascinating.

The train from Silicone Woman Valley (LA) to Portland was a bit of an eye-opener. I was sat next to this guy who hailed originally from Crenshaw, East LA and used to ride with the Crips. He's called Big Cali to his friends and Me and has been shot 5 times and stabbed twice. He's been in prison 9 times for jewellery store robbery too. I wrote two amazing pieces of poetry on the train up for him, entitled LA Life when I found out about his life and his son who now rides with the Crips and we created original art to go with it. It was a long train journey, about 32 hours and I added the finishing touches to my two best works so far, Daydreamer and Nightdreamer.

The other guys on the train were, another guy from East LA, Inglewood, who had now moved out of the hood with his wife and beautiful baby, Maya who was with him. He was a good laugh, loan salesman but a good laugh. I hung out most the way with Big Cali and this 14 yr old girl called Eden, who got off at Klamuth Fallsat about 9 o clock in the morning. She was a cute enough girl and we talked much of the way about blowjobs.

Oh yeah, Tarik whis might interest you a bit. I got a demo CD off this guy on his way up to Vancouver from LA. He's a rapper and his group just got signed by Sony Red. Not sure what his band are called but the CD sounded pretty heavy. I've got his number and I'm ringing him when I get to Vancouver. The CD needs a bit of work on the production, I think the vocals are too loud but there are some good hooks on there. I though the lyrics were alright, nothing major although he acknowledged that my "rhymes are dope bro - I'm a rapper and when I heard your shit I knewI was hearin somethin dope - you should think about rapping", I'll give you it when I get back. And happy birthday bro.

Portland was cool. Hanging around in the affluent area of town, I decided to see what upper class vietnamese restaurants were like and found them, well, lacking in Vietnamese people. I had to order in fucking english for fucks sake!

On the plus side, as a nod of acknowledgement to the fact that they were plundering our culture, diluting it and selling it to rich white people, the place was staffed in an American excessive style, with scant regard for realism in exchange instead for size 8-10 busty young maidens in tight fitting mock-oriental dresses and furnished with the finest goods from China. This was in stark contrast to what I was used to in Orange Countys Little Saigon, where Pho shops are staffed by miserable, hoary old men who speak little or no english and the wall hangings consisted of bad pictures of bowls of Pho, but served the most amazing food.

Vietnamese account for 22% of the Asian poulation of Portland, so it would be a little presumptious of me to judge Vietnamese culture on what I saw last night - after all, it's just another example of Vietnamese filtering into your lives without you knowing it - but if I was to sum up on quality, I'd go for the hoary old men any day. They serve the biggest bowls, cheaper and damn it tastes a damn sight better down south. Save your money if you're travelling north to south and don't ruin your appetite by eating this westernised imitation.

The adventurer Returns

It was very weird waking up in my own bed this morning. Very weird. But London lights and shopping for kit for my cousins round the world trip makes it all seem so right. I love this city

Irony

It's all over. Trust me to meet the most amazing girl in the world the day that I leave the country.

I'm livin a white christmas

It's a white christmas here in DC. It's beautiful.

Oh yeah I nearly forgot...

I was probably on TV!!!!!

In Toronto. 6pm, 2 days ago.

Step forward the unbelievers, cos this boy is a man of his word.

Dammit I don't want to come home!

Make this easy for me guys. I don't want to come home but I've got to. 5 more days of blissful non-"responsibility".

Looks like I may have to join the hordes of you lucky 9-5ers with crap jobs that you hate. Welcome to Earth Mr Hoang

Montreal

Saw a really crap film called About Schmidt. Also saw Two Towers in Toronto which was brilliant. Am very chilled. Nothing much to report except for hilariously laughable plane journey of 1 hour from Toronto to Montreal which was delayed by 5 hours. Everything that could go wrong did - it was late anyway then 2 computers broke down, they nearly flew us with no toilets and no baggage, then they got us off the plane, back on another one and when we got there 4 hours late, we had to wait to get off because of a malfunction on the ramp which connects to the plane so no-one could get off. By the time we got off there was a crowd who clapped and cheered! It was a riot!

That aside I've been staying in Montreal where it cold but very beautiful. C'est tres beau. Je voudrais retourner. Next time I will have to go from the east coast upwards and do the whole thing in reverse.

Not a bad day in the office at all

I went to the zoo today.

Oh and I met the Premier (like a prime minister) of the province who then went on to namecheck me in his speech. Not bad going. Went to 2 high profile parties for members of government and played badminton.

Didn't even leave the house til 4 o clock either. Not a bad day in the office if you ask me.

Don't break a leg son

...alright then I won't. Skiing is a divine sport. It's like walking on air and going down a hill very fast at the same time. Having no fear of death is great and I went straight to the top and fell halfway down the hill straight as soon as I learnt how to stop and turn.

Proposal for my birthday. I don't care about getting any gifts at all, but I would love to go Skiing in France on a cheapo cheapo ticket. It would mean so much to me if all my bitches took the weekend off and went on the piste with me.

Up for it? Mail me and we'll sort out the details. Invite all your friends. I don't care about gifts and don't care if you get me nothing as long as you just ring me or join me. Don't patronise me with materialism.

Two world firsts in a day

Sometimes you wait all your life and two things come along at once.

I went skiing today for the first time ever.

And I ironed my clothes.

So that's two firsts in a day already and that was just in the morning. In the evening I went to my first Filipino Community christmas party and had my first cha cha lesson from a filipino woman.

Oh yeah - and I made my first speech to an audience on a microphone alongside my uncle who got voted onto the board tonight and had my first taste of filipino food, which included the most delicious spring roll I've ever had - it had banana in it. A strange combination in theory but it was absolutely divine.

And of the final world firsts today, it was the first time in the world that I've ever sang karaoke in front of an audience sober...in tagalog.

Not a bad days work if you ask me.

I'm only happy when it rains

I've had the greatest time hanging out with lesbians, plumbers and artists in Vancouver, a lovely city. Am going skiing tomorrow, the accent doesn't get on my nerves, the weather is great (it rains). This country is great.

It has colourful money, not like that monopoly money rubbish down south, and the money has the queens head on it. People are friendly and unpretentious.

hung out today with an artist who was fairly round the bend but very amicable and she drew me a great picture in the travelling sketchpad. Landed in Calgary at 4 o clock and even before I had the chance to drop off my bags I was at a senior citizens christmas party. Tomorrow I'm going skiing and going for a mad dance christmas party with some phillipinos. Aint life grand!?

The groover in Vancouver

Sushi, sake and the Japanese lifestyle. That's for Me baby! I was out on the house sake last night courtesy of the sushi chef at Samurai and man I had one of the best nights out of my life. It was mindblowing.

Contact lenses

I have always been a writer. But writers need inspiration. Warwick is like a gas chamber only not as inspiring or evocative. My mind is free. My words are weapons and one day you will understand what I mean.

Andy 2002

Awwww sniffle. Andys got a cold

Yes the runour is true. I'm ill. But I don't care.

Andy wins the canadian exchange lottery

evenin bitches

Just been out on the town (that is Vancouver town to those of you not already in the know) and have a few things to report.

1/ It's wet
2/ It's cold

So no more smug california e-mails from me ever again you'll be pleased to hear as I walk through the town soaked to the bone feeling like I'm back home again.

What I have found though, to this towns credit is that this country is pretty damn cheap. With the mighty pound coming in at a rip-roaring 2.4 dollars (Yes I did dance around in the bank and sing when they told me the exchange rate - those crazy british) and everything being a damn sight cheaper than in the US anyway I'm living the life of millionaire on the remains of my student loan. Oh happy days.

Yesterday, as soon as I swapped Queen Elizabeth II (British) for Queen Elizabeth II (Canadian) I legged it down to the japanese restaurant elgantly called Samurai in a state of lottery-winning elation and promptly went on to order "everything on the menu with salmon and octopus" and for the first time in my memory actually pushed the bill up into double figures! Stuffed with great japanese food I was disappointed to find I had actually only spent 6 english pounds on conversion but I must say it was one of the finest meals I've had in my life. A true bargain.

Today, still not over the shock of my newfound riches, I strolled off through the perpetual rain down to chinatown where I got promptly lost in a sprawling mass of yellow brothers. Magnificent. So lost was I that I actually went around and around in circles only figuring out that I was retracing my steps because the same drug dealers keep offering me smack every time. I was just contemplating rewarding one of them for his persistence when I finally found my way out of the place.

While there I stumbled across bargain of the century number 2.

I know lots of you geeks, like myself are speccy and occasionally wear contact lenses. As you all know, one a day disposables are expensive, normally a pound a pair, but I found this place here that sells them for a fraction of that. at only 22 dollars a box of thirty with $50 mail in rebate (more of which later) when you buy six boxes, they work out at 90 pairs for a mere $82!!!! That's whata saving of whar? a cool hmmm, 40 quid. Not bad going mister bond.

Obviously down to my last pennies as I am I will probably buy them tomorrow just to spite myself.

On that note though, if any of you want to spite me a little further and take advantage of the cheap rates that other countries have over us brits (yes we are overcharged for everything) and you want some cheap shit just drop me a line and deposit some money in my swiss bank account. I promise I won't run away. honest.

Mail in rebates were explained to me by my new cousin Khiem and go a little something like this. They play on the intrinsic principle that we all know is inherent in all American people - bone-idle laziness. The concept of the mail in rebate is so simple but so effective in this over-rich under-active country and works by reeling the sloth into buying a product with the promise that, by sending in a receipt, you will get some cash back.

Naturally, the yanks do the first as consumerism is a natural impulse in that country, but the second is somewhat more challenging, as actually getting off your arse is an unnatural mode of action in the US.

So they lose money. And they don't care. A legendary ploy!

In a week that has seen me go to a magazine opening in Sunset Boulevard, write poems on a train for a gangsta from crenshaw and cross the border into a country of perpetual rain, I think I can safely say life is good.

On a parting note I would like to just start takin orders for grog and smokes for when I come back. Cos conveniently, when I get off the plame laden with fags and booze, New Years Eve is just around the corner. I don't mind gettin if you don't mind drinkin (and payin) so just get your orders in for the chronic right now on the usual address.

I think I'll make some predictions on orders before I love you and leave you bitches:

Personals

Vix - At the rate you and your mum are killing yourselves, I predict you will be wanting some smokes. Name your brand and they're yours.

Hieu - at the rate I'm spendning money I imagine you want nothing at all. I'm still alive aint I!?! I think you should take advantage of these cheap eyes as I know you wear contacts.

C++ - I predict you will get nothing but a duty free smack in the mouth. Just a hunch. Anyway you can get your own as you're leaving the country (mister C is going to South Africa)

Slutty - I predict you may be getting something before I get back. After all even though I'm away I still have my duty

J++ - I predict you will be gettin nothin as well as piss is too bloody heavy

Sylvester Stallone

I finally got around to doing the one thing that I came to Seattle for today - I went to the master Bruce Lee's grave.

Located at the top of a hill in the Lakewood cemetary it was a peaceful location in an affluent area and the grave itself, nest to Brandon is a mecca for martial arts fans the world over, who come, like me, to pay their respects to a man whose inspirational persona lives on and has inspired us to enlightenment. It was such a humbling experience being in the presence of greatness and I read the 7 Tao poems that he inspired me to write (printed in the diary earlier) to his image on his headstone.

On the way down from the grave I spotted a sign that read "Talent and Models" and pointed into a little cottage-like building. Intrigued I decided to go in, only to find myself filling in an application form to be a model or actor. Fair enough.

And that's when I met him

Sylvester Stallone.

...'s stunt double. Yes the guy running the agency was Sly's stunt double and there were pictures all over the walls of the great man and the even greater man (decide for yourself which I mean) who said that I had a good look about me (of course I agree with him) and said that I need a portfolio to sign up. So it looks like perhaps my last chance at fame this year may have slipped away.

I found out the other day that even my nan has been on TV, and I now feel a little lagging in the fame department. Slit I need to find out if your bird knows anyone who can get me a Portaloo-folio done on the cheap. I'm gonna be on Tele dammit!

The day was topped off with an impromptu visit to a glass art place. Very nice. And the clearly gay but very nice owner gave me a personal blowing demonstation. I was blown away and felt very priveleged indeed.

Goodnight Seattle...

Most of my friends know that I drink tea. Loose leaf Earl Grey with a dash of milk and a quarter of a teaspoon of sugar. And lots of it. I drink a hell of a lot of tea at home.

Some of my friends also know another deep dark secret. NEVER GIVE ME COFFEE. IT MAKES ME HYPERACTIVE.

Seattle is the home of Starbucks and this city's fascination with java is legendary the world over. Now I'm not a man who regular cares about what everyone else is doing but as the old saying goes, when in Rome...

So clasp your hands together and pray for the poor folk of Seattle. They won't know what hit them. God save them all.

Third time lucky...

I could really do with a holiday after that but as it turns out I hit the road tomorrow morning for a missionary 36 hours to Portland by train. Wish me luck bitches!

As it stands at the moment I hope I can skip christmas by staying in a monastery but have actually told a relative I'd spend christmas with them in DC. I'll probably turn up in Virginia on the 24th fresh from the Monastery I guess. Before that I'm going skiing in Calgary, Chillin in Vancouver, Bustin out in Seattle and sleeping like a baby in Portland. Maybe. Keep your eyes peeled and keep on mailing all the news from back home to this homesick adventurer.

Laters

Andy

Croc in a box

I have only just now got in from a week of debauchery and SHIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!! I've got stories to tell!!! The title of this piece though is perhaps such a great story I will not actually tell it here because it really is such a stunner I have to tell you in person to do it justice. You may remember that I predicted that something VERY weird was gonna happen in the next year, the pub story to end all pub stories. Well something VERY weird has happened in this last week and all I'm gonna say is that it is a story to end all others, but next year will be THE one to end all others.

Although part of me is dying to tell you now I won't. This is a story I won't tell unless you ask. I won't tell you it on the phone and I won't tell you it by e-mail. And I probably won't tell Slit at all - It really is that good.

I'm not really sure where to start with the summary of the last week - it's been so damn good it's all been quite a blur to be honest, as it flashed by but I will try my best. Brace yourselves...

The week started on wednesday with a phone call from my exceedingly rich uncle in LA. He'd just bought a new pool table and wanted to *ahem* show me how it was played. Most of you know about the legendary AndyJayPool league, that J++ and Me ran as an excuse for not doing any real work while at uni. So I promptly went round and the bets flew in thick and fast against the stupid Brit who probably hadn't seen a pool table on his cold, wet island. Naturally I threw the first game to get the hopes (and stakes) up, but it was pretty much clear skies from thereon in, so cue our hero escaping into the night with his hard earned winnings with Khiem, my newfound cousin who up until this point I had never met before, to this TGI Fridays to sing Karaoke and get drunk.

I've never sang karaoke before and the hip LA crowd were clearly in for a treat, not so much vocally as I sing like a fish, but definitely visually cos I dance like a swan. On acid. So there I was 50 pints down the way and toying with the idea of singing Poison by Alice Cooper but being too blind drunk to remember any of the words when Khiem bribes the guy to let me on next before I sober up and change my mind, but it was too late I had already changed it...to Fast Car by Tracy Chapman. I was fucked...

The music comes on and I'm thrust in front of this blue screen with a load of white writing on it. Now if any of you ever get into karaoke design I'd just like to point out that having writing that changes from white to yellow on a dark blue background does not work. Especially if you're drunk.

Being too drunk to be able to read, I had this microphone thrust into my hands and for the life of me I couldn't understand the connection between Me, the microphone in my hands, the music in the background and the words that kept changing colour on the screen in front of me. Bit like Britney Spears then.

"Erm don't you think you should start singing dude?"
"Pleazhe excushe me, I'm British and drunk and I don't remember any of the wordsh..."
*Big cheer from the audience*
I join in at the beginning of the second verse or thereabouts, having wased the first verse hyping up the crowd
"You got a fast car, we go cruisin' entertain ourselves..."
*The crowd go WILD!*
I give up the pretence of singing cos I'm off key and seem to be chasin words that keep gettin away and bust out with a classic line that goes...
"Look guys, I know I can't sing, but fuckin hell I can dance! Shall I just fuck the singin and dance for y'all?"
*Andy busts the moves. The crowd goes ballistic and some wide boys get the hump goes I get all the chicks*
I think I might have attempted one more verse but gave up halfway through and left the stage into the arms of a very fine Vietnamese bird and some blonde girl kissed me on the cheek. All in a nights work.

Thursday was the national holiday that the yanks call Thanksgiving, which is a bit like watered-down christmas. It's got turkey but no presents and people thank other people for stuff. Strange country. It was cool though, a day for straight-up chillin out on the pool table, rackin up hundreds and hundreds of games. We also decided to watch an absolutely diabolical film called Solaris, a George Clooney film which Khiem said was "a thriller that got great reviews on Movies.com" - Oh boy did we rip the piss out of him when we left that cinema or what! Nice one Khiem, we'll all just ignore you next time yeah. I think we watched a film called Brotherhood of the Wolf that night, a fantastic piece of French Filmmaking that more than made up for that shite, and later in the week I saw The Godfather part 2 and Die Another Day, which means I've seen more movies in the last week than I have all year round. I still haven't got around to seein Spiderman and I'm such a big comic fan that that is vital viewing even if it was crap. Daredevil is out on Valentines Day so I may have to miss that launch by virtue that I'll probably overdose on narcotics or take enough sleeping pills so I don't have to be on this planet.

Busy Boy, Busy life to lead
Got no time for the TV
Never an hour in my diary
I'll live to the day of my expiry
How can I sit when there's work needs doin?
Who gives a shit who Bond is screwin?
The work and the play are pastimes worth pursuin
A dark room is no good for your own development

Still I'm on holiday so it's nice to be able to catch up on all these things I don't really have time for at home. Die Another Day was fairly good actually although I will tell you the plot just to spoil it. This guy called Bond, James Bond, saves the world from a megalomaniac who has enough power to annoy a lot of people. He uses an ingenious new device developed by John Cleese to narrowly escape death and shags all the fit birds. There that's fucked it up for you hasn't it?

Godfather Part 2 is an amazing film on the other hand. It really is a classic piece of celluloid and Coppola exceeds the first film by far. Woah.

Enough reviews, you don't give a shit what I think anyway, back to the misbehaviour or we're loggin off!

Friday night, Khiems house and we go down to The Petersons who are like a second family to Khiem. They were also original 60s hippies which is the coolest thing. We take Matt out to The Press at Claremont and have a fuckin wicked night out hangin out with LAs coolest - not the trendys but genuinely hip, cool and down to earth people. Seriously good vibes abound and there's a live band, ex's are all over the place, the bar is full of fine ladies, we talk about everything under the sun, Matt stands on one leg and Khiem drops Matt in the shit with his ex etc etc.

Half of Saturday is spent trying to wake up and when we did we busted down to Los Angeles County Museum of Art at about 5 o clock, where we had the whole place virtually to ourselves and we ran around being obnoxious. The classic line of that night has got to be when Khiem goes up to buy a Picasso mug.

"Are you a member here sir?"
"Erm..."
"You get a discount if you are"
"...yes"
"Could I have your name please?"
"Smith"
I'm killin myself giggling at this point
"oh alright it's Tran"
She types in Tran, still not catchin on that we are only jokin and a list of names comes up conveniently on the screen in front of our eyes
"...and your first name?"
We both see it on the screen and he says
"Anthony"
I could have died laughin

Sunday - chillin out and playin pool.

Monday - oh Monday. Oh. My. God.

Khiems back at work after the long thanksgiving weekend so leaves me round at the Petersons which was all good with me. Sean has got us all invites for the reopening of the magazine that he works for, a skaters magazine called Strength, which is reopening on Sunset Boulevard. It's a free bar and free food and the place is packed with skaters and media types. Woah.

On the way to the party the croc in the box incident happens.

The party was absolutely brilliant, in the open air under a huge Spearmint Rhino poster. Life is good. Line of the night award goes to one of the hostesses who just made me feel like I had finally arrived in LA. "I saw you bustin' a move, you'd better take two". So it is possible to have a great time in LA.

Thanks Khiem