Merry Christmas Turkeys!
It's Christmas Eve and I'm on the train to Washington DC via NYC. Yes, I'm gonna be passing New York City and it's a white christmas for me on this side of the Atlantic. So I thought I'd happily just type a quick Merry Christmas to all my loyal column-reading bitches on my laptop while I speed through the white landscape and just do my damndest (as usual) to make you green-jealous of my perpetual holidaying antics.
I've just left Montreal where I've had the best time (Do I say that every time...?) with some cousins and uncles. I'm facing the fact now that all good things come to an end, and that I am metaphorically staring the UK in the face. I can barely believe that the end is nigh. Worse than that though is the fact that the end of Canada is only hours away, as I cross the border from Heaven to Hell (i.e. back into the US) by the end of the day.
Christmas, as everyone knows, is a time for reflection, and I think I'll take this time to reflect on what a bloody good time I've had in Canada. A BLOODY good time.
It's gonna take a bit of memory to get all this in but let's start at the beginning.
I began in Downtown Vancouver maybe just over 2 weeks ago, where I discovered the joy of a strong currency in a developed country. It was more fun than losing my virginity. With rain and cold the norms up in this beautiful country I felt at home straight away and the locals made me feel more than welcome as I hung out with a plumber at a sushi bar and a lesbian the next day. But once again, the Japanese proved again just how great Japanese are when it comes to travelling the world.
Regular readers of this column and/or my mind will know I love the japanese. They are without a doubt the most hilarious travellers of the world that a backpacking man will meet. Conservatism is not really an option an the japanese swing either way when it comes to travelling, that is every which way but normal. I've met japanese hindu and buddhist saddhus in India, Dreadlocked Japanese football players in London, Japanese speaking Vietnamese sushi chefs in Vancouver and Japanese schoolgirl waitresses across the world. And, along with a limited grasp of English, which seems to be the norm, they have the great sense of humour, and a devilish veneer of conservatism which hides the most mischievious deviances.
By the end of the first night I was soaking in Sake (on the house) and me and my newfound plumber friend, Jeff went off around town to see the sights in his big plumber van. He was supposed to meet me the next day at Samurai, but didn't turn up so I ended up getting sake and sushi on my own with a very attractive lesbian, which was also quite a stunning night out.
Moving on to Calgary, I had a truly great time with my family there, learnt to ski, saw some animals and the Premier of Alberta, made a speech, etc etc and met the best cat in the world, and learnt that I am perhaps not the #1 maker of mischief any more. There's a new cat in town.
Toronto, stayed with Jewish or catholic family I think. Jetlagged and tired but a good place to rechage my batteries. By now I was becoming acutely aware that I was absolutely fucked in a knackered kind of way. Oh yeah and I saw Niagara falls and went to a casino and BRILLIANT Japanese mall (I left all the stuff I bought at their house though by accident - DOH!)
Montreal - 5 hours late on the plane - hilarious ride! Beautiful city, Wonderful family, I want to go back. Went to a temple for a day to pray and learn buddhism too.
Now, on a train to NYC - feel absolutely knackered, but this is the final stretch. I have to just pull up my socks and get on down one last time then I can sleep on the plane home before doing it all over again. Mischief UK 2003 beckons methinks...
