Oh shit. My aunt has married a redneck

It has been said that the size of a mans car is inversely proportional to the size of his cock and this country has the biggest cars in the world. But then that's coming from a guy whose dream car is a mini. And I don't drive.

This weekend has been great. I hung out in LA with Chu Khangs family for most of it, taking a trip to Magic Mountain on Sunday courtesy of Di 7, with William and Vanessa.

Magic Mountain is alright. I mean it's a bit like Alton Towers with loads more rollercoasters but then it's just a theme park I guess and once you've bungee-jumped off a mountain in Nepal, theme parks are a bit easy, you know what I mean.

Still, the place had it's attractions. For a start, as soon as we pulled in (I had been asleep most of the way there), I got woken up by the sound of my cousin William and the line "Wonder what's going on out there? There's loads of cheerleaders around" - Now that's what i call a wakeup call! Naturally I jumped out of dreamydreamland - "Where?!?" - "Eurgh man. They're only 12 years old what are you, some sort of pedafile?!?!" - DOH!

Note to Bags part 1 - no mate I didn't get any pictures you slag.

Note to Bags part 2 - yes they do pronounce it pedafile over here. Almost like being back home innit bags?

This morning I found myself learning Chinese Chess from a rocket scientist in a doctors surgery as he played against a doctor. Suze you have a new sparring partner baby! I am gettin a little worried that I spend far too much time seeing the doctor when I travel, but chill bitches it's all good when I tell you the doctor was my Chu Khang. The Rocket scientist though - he's a mystery to me.

For some reason, Chu Khangs son, David gave me a nickname and I can't quite figure out why. As I said before in my group e-mail, I can't seem to shake the nickname Mad Andy, which everyone seems to come up with wherever I go ("I've got a great one - let's call you Mad Andy") Original it aint. Funny it aint. Use the force Luke.

The nickname David started using by about sunday night was...Andy X. Now as I say I am completely flummoxed as to where the inspiration for this came from. I am, however going to hazard a guess and say that my 16 year old cousin was probably referring to the great Malcolm X, a racist supremacist who believed that people of his skin colour were the superior race and should rule the world. Nothing like me at all then...

The weekend was topped off with an unexpected surprise. I met an aunt who is married to a white person. Yes, a white person. An American. As you are all aware, living in Little Saigon has somewhat warped my mind to the point that, well, I'm turning into a nazi yellow fuhrer and this was just unacceptable. I mean you would never catch me marrying anyone.

But the best/worst thing about this encounter, as much as I respect my aunt, was that this guy was a hick. I mean, he thought that Bush was the best president the country has had for a long time, he had never been abroad, he couldn't eat Vietnamese food (yes he must have been retarded), Clinton was a disgrace to the american people, Believed in the right to bear arms but couldn't give a structured argument as to why etc. In short, he was everything the British hate about Americans, the type of guy I had been meaning to meet for kicks all this time. And he had the biggest car I've ever seen. But I couldn't rip him up because he was part of the family and anyway he was mostly harmless. Sometimes even I hold my tongue.

I'm hittin the road soon Jack/Jackie. Outta the trailer park I'm heading to San Diego then up the way to San Francisco again - So good I done it twice! I just forgot to hang out in Golden Gate Park with the hippies and Drug addicts last time so I'm headed back for a second bite at the cherry.

From SFO - I'm gonna go to the home of Bruce Lee if I can find it. If anyone can surf and tell me where his Seattle home and grave are I would be most grateful as connecting to the internet here is slow and painful like shitting with piles.

Seattle is also the home of Grunge as you all know, Starbucks, Microsoft and Frasier as well I think. As usual I will be looking to find my way onto TV. I'm starting to get so desperate now to fulfil my prediction that I'd be on TV that I'm even starting to consider gay porn and Vietnamese commercials. Yes i have really run out of options.

Seattle to Vancouver should provide answers to the question everyone wants to know the answer to - Are the gun controls so strict in Canada that Bryan Adams has found somewhere to live? Yes all this and more will be revealed in the next thrilling episode (well probably the one after next or later. Or not at all cos I'll probably forget) of Mischief USA.

Adios bitches!


Matt - Dammit! I'm gonna miss the Donkey Show in Tijuana. I may spend a coupla days in San Diego before I set off because I want my stomach to turn like a dishwasher.

Peter - You are one sick puppy lil bro. Dave and Michael have told me. I will go nowhere near the downstairs toilet.

Suze - Ha! Slavery! Ha!

Slit - We must meet up sometime ok? I'll call you. You want me to bring a gun back so you can shoot some of those motherfuckers?

Tal - Your mailbox is full bro - I need to send you something. Your second one doesn't work.

Sarjmeister Baboon - Ha! Chuv will tell you I laughed til my my socks set on fire when I heard where they filed your postcard! I can even cause mischief 8000 miles away! Thanks and don't work too hard. Have you met Suzie yet? She's in on saturdays you know.

Suze - Ha! Saturdays! Ha!

Cez - Hope you washed your hands before reading that paper. And yes the six-pack is coming along nicely thanks. I'll let you use YOUR imagination next time. Just don't forget to wash the remote control.

blog comments powered by Disqus