Return to the Status Quo

For a while there, Hell had frozen over and the world had inverted on its axis. When I looked out my window, the hills around Thamesmead were alive with the sound of music and pigs were flying.

In fact at one point, the Kuwaitis had pledged 80% of their GDP to charity to alleviate world suffering and paid decent salaries to their maids. Monkeys flew out of my arse at regularly scheduled intervals and Arab managers across the middle east decided to be honest.

The world has been a very unusual place for about 2 months. I’ve been on cloud 9 and humming the tune to Shabba Ranks’s “Mr Loverman” and getting to the bit where I go “Champion Lover, always up tonight WOOOOAH!” and believing that I was some sort of uber-lover (clearly deluded).

But all of this has had some basis in true fact for the last 2 months and heck have I been chuffed with myself. For a while there, the unthinkable had happened. I had got laid.

But fear not readers for the Mischief you know is back. The fires of Hell burn bright again, the Kuwaitis have changed their mind and asked for their donations back with interest at 15% a year, the streets of Thamesmead are only alive with the smell of dogshit as usual and I am single again.

Let Mischief roll on…

If you can’t come up with something funny yourself just nick something that makes you laugh…

I read a brilliant book review today about a book that just seems to hit the spot of exactly how I think about a subject that, let’s admit it, we all think about.

The book is called the “Joy of No Sex” by Will Smith and Roger Drew and is probably really crap but the review alone is worth a look. Here’s an edited version…

Fictional author Robert Bennett offers his “guide to life without lovemaking”, complete with Dr Alex Comfort-style illustrations of a hairy couple not doing it.

Intercourse. The headline act. The feature picture. The cmain course. The reason we all bought our tickets. Overrated, I reckon. A bit like Radiohead and the Coen Brothers. We pretend to like it because we think we’ll look odd if we don’t.

Well I prefer Bryan Adams, Die Hard and my dick in my pants. Rather than in my hands. Or anyone else’s hands. Or, heaven forbid, their ‘docking station’. I source my pleasure elsewhere.
Personally speaking, I have never derived pleasure from sex and neither has any woman I have slept with.

I agree with everything except the bit about Bryan Adams

Political correctness gone too far

I was online checking my mail and chatting to J, new Primary NQT and she says to me that while I was online she wanted to get a few ideas for teaching science.

So I said fire away and she did and this is what she said

“As you’re a science teacher, I would like some ideas on how to teach fitness and healthy diets to 6-7 year olds”

I don’t usually deal with the mess that is Biology as you all know, though I adore studying it I think it’s a bit messy to teach as it’s not really logical. So I thought about it a bit and came back with an idea gleaned from my TEFL course, taking it from a group dynamics standpoint.

“Why don’t you,“ says I “get some paired pictures of fat people and fit people and get the kids to mill about the class until they find someone else with the same picture. When they are in pairs they can talk about their pictures and how they are different and say which one looks like he may live longer/be fitter etc.”

To which she replied, “We can’t do that! We have to be sensitive to body sizes and shapes these days so we can’t discriminate against fat people in case the fatties in our class get upset!”

Well fuck me! That makes things a bit difficult then don’t it! You’re meant to teach about how a lack of sport makes you fat without using the word “fat”. It’s a bit like Taboo this…

How the fuck are we meant to prevent the propagation of fat bastards if we don’t make them realise that they are fat and useless at an early age? No seriously, how the hell are people going to be able to take it seriously when we are too scared to look them in the eye and say “Look mate being fat is not really good for you. You are at greater risk of coronary heart disease, cancer, not getting laid etc”

We all know that the facts above are true, but we are too scared to really do anything about it, but we continue to show images of perfect people in media, while simultaneously banging on about how bad it is to be fat in the press. But in schools, where we can really make a difference, political correctness has taken gagged teachers from being able to really affect the situation.

If little Johnny has his conscience pricked in school by a small group discussion about how fat people and fit people differ then maybe he’ll try and do something about it. But if we leave little Johnny to become really big Johnny because he can’t understand the news articles about Diabetes and overeating in the daily papers, then surely we have done more harm than hurting his feelings.

Isn’t it time we stopped fucking around, stopped skirting the issues that matter through fear of stepping on toes and really stepped up and made a difference?

This whole incident reminds me of a similar incident that I heard about during my PGCE when Clara came back and said that they had been told that they were no longer allowed to use the term “Brainstorm” in lessons to describe the process whereby you elicit ideas from the class and put them on the whiteboard.

The reason for this government brainwave? The term “Brainstorm” is also used in the upper echelons of surgery to describe an epileptic fit. And by using the term brainstorm in class (you have to bear in mind that Clara is a primary teacher too) the epileptics would get offended and cry.

So I changed my advice to a much simpler version.

“Tell them to turn to page 59 and do questions 1-4. That way they can’t blame you if they see any offensive things written about fat people and they can cry as much as they want”

Lord help us all.

Great Gorilla Run

A quick note to those readers who don’t already know. On the 25th of this month I will be running 7km around London in a full- gorilla outfit.

The purpose of this jaunt is to help raise a million pounds for the Dian Fossey organisation, a charity set up in memory of Dian Fossey the conservationist (whose life story was depicted in the film, Gorillas in the Mist in case it rings a bell).

I hope that regular readers of this column appreciate the value of gorillas to modern society i.e. their humour value and I would love to see some of you stumping up some cash for the cause. It’s dead easy to do just log onto www.justgiving.com/andyhoang and give something.

UK taxpayers also get the added bonus of an additional 28% of your contribution will be added as a donation from the taxman. An even better reason to give money to the monkeys!

So once again, log on to www.justgiving.com/andyhoang, make a gorilla happy and get one up on the taxman today. Anyone who donates will get access to the pictures when I’m done.

Thanks!

Where one adventure ends another begins, AKA Why aren’t you on another adventure yet!?

Somewhere in my dim and distant past in a time period labelled Kuwait, I booked 2 holidays for summer, in a now classic cock-up. Booking the holiday with DAD international in Romania, I knew vaguely that I was going to be flying to Eastern Europe in July and that my light went to Bucharest.

So, being a clever sod I decided that, while I was in Bucharest I may as well do a TEFL course to sharpen up my teaching portfolio. Looking around online I found that Via Lingua does a course in Eastern Europe in Budapest and promptly booked said course.

However, on closer inspection it turned out that Bucharest is actually in Romania and Budapest is a completely different capital city (Kaupunki in Finnish for those of you in the know) which is situated in Hungary.

500 miles away.

Still, with the course starting the day after the DAD project ended I figured I could get the best of both Bloody-ests by just getting a train over the border and that was indeed what I did.

So my past few months have been spent variously on a camp in a forest in Romania and slap bang in the capital city of Hungary doing a course.

The highlights of the trip are numerous, including
* Being kidnapped by 3 Hungarian girls and taken clubbing til 8am (note to Dirty McNasty - stop me if you’ve heard this one before)
* My 2nd group of kids in DAD doing the talent show, when I was convinced that they didn’t even understand we had to do a performance.
* Pali’s Robot
* The Dirty McNasty
* Hobos – specifically the first and second one and not including that nasty one that I made where the potatoes were all crunchy
* Beating the guy who smells of piss at chess
* Beating chess man in the blue coat at chess
* Meeting someone very very special
* Batting away a waterbomb with a badminton racquet just like the kung fu movies
* The night before the pink champagne
* Eating bear pastrami
* Eating everything else
* Jazz on the Danube
* That amazing band on the Chain Bridge that played the bagpipes and the brass oboe. Wow

This weekend I came back with a bang, straight in to Notting Hiill carnival, dancing in the Blackbird of St Giles section for Yaa. Was a little strange to be dancing smalls and I can’t say I quite got the feel for this costume. I had some things on my mind which didn’t really help, but it’s still good to be back.

I want to say thanks to everyone who came down to Notting Hill this weekend, Olga, Caz, Izzy, Jules and Sarah and I’m really sorry I couldn’t see you all. I was a tiny bit exhausted and busy but I hope you had a good time anyway.

So now that summer is over and I’m back in the UK what happens next for Mischief? No more adventure yet lined up it seems. But wait. I’m expecting a delivery from Open University tomorrow morning containing my next adventure. I start a new course with OU, which is my next big adventure. Perhaps on the surface not as exciting as gallivanting around the globe having fun, but certainly as valuable.

The best adventures are the ones that you create in your mind. Anything can be an adventure if you let it, so roll on adventure.

Personals

I’d just like to thank at this point a few people who have made the last 2 months really quite special.

Obviously I want to thank the DAD crew, especially Ginger S for being yourself, Jules for being a great roomie and Izzy for being all round great.

In Hungary I need to send out big thanks to Pali for being the best English teacher in the world. I still am astounded that I had to be taught my own language by a Hungarian, who done more than that, but inspired me to learn a deeper knowledge of English grammar. I also want to thank Agi for being an inspirational teacher and giving me so many ideas. You should write a book you are superb!

I’d also like to thank Dirty Mcnasty for walking me home that night. I never got round to telling you about the rest of that night but I ended up finding myself asleep on the Kitchen floor at 5:30am which was definitely not good. The next day I was gagging for a game of chess which is why I wasn’t there when you got up, and I finally beat the guy who smells of piss, but ended up spending all my money playing him, which left me effectively up shit creek for getting to the airport. I later found out that the bus from Kobanyi-Kispest to the airport actually costs money. But that’s ok cos Alex was going that way anyway on the way back to his village so he gave me a lift down the airport anyway. In his BMW. What a legendary guy!

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder in the supermarket

I went to the Supermarket yesterday to buy some Salami and Yoghurt and found myself feeling a little mischievious. My basket was full of assorted goodies for eating, the worlds favourite activity and I was firing to get home and stick it all in my mouth.

Lined up in the queue, I found myself twitching with anticipation of sticking yoghurt all over my mouth cavity and started to physically shake a bit and I became at that point acutely aware that I was probably looking like a raving dog or a right spastic.

I looked around self-consciously and noticed that the geezer standing behind me in the checkout queue was in a suit and looked very, well normal I guess you could say and the need to make mischief just grew.

I looked in my basket and, shaking with anticipation of el noshos, I pulled out the yoghurts and placed them in a neat little line where the "next customer" barrier usually is between customers.

Then I twitched a bit.

Scratching my ear I nervously removed the salami and placed it on the counter, one packet at a time, neatly on top of each other, making sure to keep them exactly in the centre of the conveyor belt and to avoid the spilt milk that was staining the whole affair.

The guy behind me started to get a tiny bit impatient and went to move the salami. I snapped and freaked a bit, waving my arms at his hands and muttering under my breath. He didn't do that again...

I then went on to neatly line up the muesli bars, in perfect lines with perfectly parallel stacking and lined up my bread rolls so that they formed 2 parallel lines of 6 at right angles to the direction of movement of the conveyor belt.

The guy behind me looked quite relieved when finally the next customer bar was passed back and I had to make a grab for it to make sure he didn't ruin the perfect symmetry of my creation. I wouldn't let him touch it at all.

The girl at the counter paid my creation no mind whatsoever and just passed everything through. I was tempted to cry just for theatrical effect, but decided that he had had enough.

On the way through, while I packed my bags, I am convinced that I heard the Hungarian word for "weirdo" uttered by man in suit and i smiled a happy smile inside, while twitching furiously outside.

Another standard day in Budapest then...

Some links with me on
www.travelclass.co.uk - see the recruitment section
http://gmarche20.free.fr/site/carnaval%20antillais%202005.htm - Paris Carnival this year ü we won!
http://www.karnevaliaalborg.dk/galleri/2003/int_grupper/yaa_asantewaa.htm - 2003 Winners in Aalborg, Denmark - I'm the bat iin Black and green, 2nd row from front on the left in the stage photo.
http://www.phatfotos.com/2003/2003-01/01_gala/pages/072GC-03-03-20A.html - Carnival Gala 2003. Brilliant!
http://www.phatfotos.com/2003/Best_of_2003/pages/320YA-03-06-21.html - Carnival 2003

Country number 10

I have lost count. I think I'm in my tenth country this year if you count doubles. At the moment in Budapest I am living on Stodge and the remains of any food that I have stored in my hump from DAD camp. All of my DAD crew know the appetite. AS you all know though I'm the polystyrene and fitting in is my thing, so right about now I'm living on pasta and sauce a true step down. Still it's all good. Budapest is amazing AND I get to leave just in time for Notting Hill! Life is very good indeed...