I take particular pride in the fact that, no matter how rude and obnoxious I am, people still introduce me to their mum.
And I love 'em!
And they love me back and I just don't get it. Hell, there are probably mums out there right now reading this because they are worried about me, thinking I'm gonna go and chop off my remaining limbs and breathing a sigh of relief when I say it's okay because I've got travel insurance. Favorite mums, in no particular order are, Charmaine, Kenny, Sluttys mum, Xroads' mum, Slits mum, Bags' mum, Rich Urbanowicz's mum, Jay's mum, Geris mum, Trish, Martin Truongs mum, Uy's Sinead's mum from back in the day, Blues' dad (I can't remember your mum), Jacks Kennys mum from my primary school and Stuart Dixon's mum.
Of the mums I've ever met I'd marry most of them and apart from Jon's mum, who was a bitch, they're all really lovely people. By the way Jay have still got that song kickin around that I wrote about her? Mail it and I'll finish it up and post it right here. Man I could have kicked her ass!
So Ladies (and Gentleman) this one and the next piece, entitled "Inverted Racial Experience part 2" is for you.
Personals
Charmaine - Thank you so much for taking me out to Bluewater the day before I took off to buy Tiles and donuts. You are actually one of my oldest friends (in terms of time not age I hasten to add) and I thank you again for taking me in from the cold all those years ago and feeding me. I look forward to seeing you and your 2 lovely daughters (and the sprog?) for ham dipped in hot chocolate as usual on my return. I have been thinking long and hard about our book idea too and believe that it will be a bestseller. Call me when you leave work, if you know what I mean and we'll get writin.
Stuart Dixon's mum - It's been such a long time no see. I hear the boy's graduated now. You must be so proud. I will come over soon to see you all I promise. I guess David is huge now. Tell Stu I apologise again for throwing that brick at him, but he did chase me with a baseball bat so I think it's a fair cop.
Slutty's mum - Thank you for a most excellent cup of tea. I see now where your daughter gets her talent from (not to mention her good looks)
Slit's mum - cheers for letting me kip on your floor despite ruinin your son's birthday by wearin trainers then putting up with me for an extra day. I never did get round to buyin him anything either. And cheers too to Bill for the lift back to London, I really had fun and learnt a lot from our little chat about standards and procedure checking in third world countries.
Jenny - Thanks for the in-car entertainment that you 3 girls provided when I came round. Hell, there was no need for heatin in that car! Thanks a bundle too for dinner and the pint in the pub in the woods, which I must admit I wouldn't possibly have been able to afford myself at the time. It was one of the nicest chillout sessions I've had this year and next time I come round I'll bring some bread and go out and feed the ducks at the pond like you used to. I must admit to feeling strangely at home in your house too, I think you've done a great job makin it feel comfortable so quickly. Did you get the curtains you wanted?
X-roads' mum - Habloodyha! You are such a laugh I now know why Slit goes out with your daughter! Cheers for all the Coke, I had a top craic round your place, which was an unexpected surprise. I didn't want to leave and I promise I'll stay a bit longer next time. Slit was a bit keen to get away don't you think? Are you sure a boy like this is suitable for your daughter? Trade him in for me anytime!
Bag's mum - Tell him to get a real job and to stop bein such a cunt
